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Saturday, July 19, 2014

Weekend Silliness



   A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

         However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs,and given VD to his sister.  I was appalled.  But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…."

        Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk:  "I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

        Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late!

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Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one
Anne Maynard, sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband 
had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in
Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...



*Friendship among Women: *

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told
her husband  that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man
called his wife's 10 best  friends. None of them knew anything
about it.


*Friendship among Men: *

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still  there.


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Today's chuckles are, once again, courtesy of fishducky!  

P.S.  Don't forget to stop by Clouds and Silvery Linings by Eddie Bluelights 
for some fun weekend quotes!

EVA

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Weekend Silliness

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.  His bookkeeper is deaf - that was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. 
  
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
  
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" 
  
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
  
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,  "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" 

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.
  
" Guido trembles and signs back, "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
  
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
  
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
  
Ya gotta love lawyers. 

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

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Hope everyone enjoys the weekend!


(The above laughs are all courtesy of fishducky!)

PS:  Don't forget to visit Eddie Bluelights at Clouds and Silvery Linings for some fun quotes!

EVA

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

And The Journey to Health Continues....

My regular readers know that I decided around January 15th of this year that I was going to do my best to get healthy.  My pursuit of that goal has kept me away from my laptop to some extent, and I haven't been blogging regularly.  For that, I apologize.


I've been exercising 1 hour at least 4 times per week.  The Silver Sneakers Class at my gym accounts for 2 of those hours.  Twenty-two laps in the pool at the gym account for the other 2 hours.  And sometimes I get an additional hour of swimming in, time and weather permitting.


It hasn't been a futile effort; I've now lost 50 pounds.  This does present a problem, though, because my bathing suit no longer fits.  I have been living in fear that I might swim out of it altogether and get arrested for streaking through the gym!


I ordered a new suit, which came, but unfortunately I haven't yet lost enough body mass to fit into it!  I finally dug out one that was given to me a few years ago that didn't fit at the time, but does now, and it will have to do until I trim down some more.

I've been pleased with my progress and it seems to be getting easier.  I'm learning to make good choices when eating out, or to bring home half my meal if it's too much.  For example, this weekend we got take out from a sandwich shop called Big G's in Winslow, and after examining the menu, I chose a sandwich called the Gobling Gormet, which was advertised as low fat.  I ordered the half sandwich without the bread, which turned out like this:


It was served in a plastic container and was chicken salad on a bed of lettuce with some cranberry sauce and cheese slices.  Delicious!

I'm not feeling deprived, and with the help of the website "myfitnesspal.com,'" I'm able to make sure that I stay within the correct calorie intake while getting the proper amount of protein, carbs, etc.  Here's hoping I continue on this path, as I'm only a third of the way to my goal.  I will continue to keep you updated on my progress, and am open to suggestions you may have.  

EVA

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Weekend Silliness

How to Replace Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


To whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method..
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

(Thank you, River, for that bit of tech humor!)

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You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....


It was a hot, Saturday evening in the summer of 1962, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.  "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said, as she welcomed Fred in.  "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?"
"Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop....maybe take a walk on the beach."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.  "The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.  "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
*(Thanks, fishducky, for that one!)

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Grandma's home health remedies



“For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine,
in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure
I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.”
“When do you drink water?”
“I’ve never been that sick!”
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Hope you're having a great weekend!

P.S.     Don't forget to pay a visit to Eddie Bluelights at Clouds and Silvery Linings for some fun weekend quotes!

EVA