Are you back? Okay.
Reading her words brought back a memory of something very disturbing which occurred in my classroom back when I was teaching. Usually, on the day before a vacation, if I could come up with a movie for my students to watch which related to the topic we had been discussing, and I would use it to reinforce the lesson as a way of keeping the kids on task, when their thoughts were on the upcoming holiday.
The students had been learning about the labor movement, and the effect of labor unions on business management, so I decided Norma Rae, the story of a small town factory worker who becomes a union activist was appropriate. Watching a film was always a welcome change of pace for the class, and they were usuallly attentive because they knew they would be required to relate it to what they had learned from their textbook.
Here’s what I found disturbing: There is a scene in the movie where Sally Fields (Norma) decides to end a self-destructive relationship she has been having with a married man. I can’t remember if they were in her apartment or a motel when she announced that she was through; she realized there was no future for her in this affair and did not want to see him anymore. The man (I can’t even remember who the actor was or his character’s name) angry at her rejection, slams her against the wall. To my shock and amazement, a cheer came up from my students at this action!
At the end of the movie, still stunned by what had occurred, I asked the class why they had cheered this act of violence. “She was asking for it!” “She deserved it.” “She was getting too pushy!” were some of the responses. I was totally floored. I took the opportunity to let them know that such physical abuse is NEVER acceptable, but I’m not sure that my words had any impact on them.
A few months later, I noticed one of the girls in my class had a ton of foundation on her face; she customarily wore makeup, but never to that extent. Upon examination from a closer angle, I realized the heavy makeup was an attempt to hide black and blue marks on her face. I heard that her boyfriend had beaten her, and her father was pressing charges against him. “Can you believe it?” one girl said to a friend. “She scratched his chest with her fingernails; he HAD to do SOMETHING!”
Those words were spoken by a female 17-year-old high school junior in total seriousness. Obviously the behavior which I considered repulsive was standard procedure in their world, even acceptable. This was about 13 years ago. I can only hope that some attitudes have changed by now, but given the instances of domestic violence still showing up in newspapers and newscasts, we have a long way to go.
The words of an old, old song from come to mind:
“Slap her down again, Pa, slap her down again—
Make her tell us more, Pa, tell us where she’s been.
We don’t want our neighbors talking about our kin—
Slap her down again, Pa; slap her down again!”
The ugly truth is that’s the message that many grew up singing and seeing and living. We need a kinder, gentler world, where physical or mental abuse of any woman, man, or child is neither accepted or tolerated..
26 comments:
Stopping over from SITS to say hi. I'm a "retired" teacher, too, except I "retired" after 6 years to be a stay at home mom;-)
Domestic violence is beyond sad. I am sorry that you had this encounter and I hope that young lady is alright today. I hope she found some way to grow into a well adjusted adult.
Having lived it, all I can say is Amen! We need a kinder gentler world indeed.
peace my friend
Yeesh, to see how skewed and off base the perspectives of these young people were scares the crap out of me. I have a perma-grimace on my face and keeping thinking WTF?? I hope they learned, umm... morals?!! And I hope that, as they grew up, none of them found themselves in the situation they wished on that poor girl. Sickening.
Really, before I posted that post on Wed., I wasn't aware of just how prevalent this problem is. I'd have said I knew no one in an abusive relationship, but now I think (or know) I must be wrong.
I linked back to this on my blog so everyone who read the Wed. post can read this one, too. Thanks for sharing this, Eva.
xxx
How can anyone deserve abuse.
These stories should be shared with the youth of today..they need to learn
xx
Oh my gosh, that story about your students really hurts my heart. I think attitudes have changed somewhat, or at least there is more focus on awareness and prevention. I'm not sure what good it does though...
Eva, reading this post simply hits home some hard truths. It's so hard to see the reality that some truly live in. To think that your students thought that that scene was acceptable breaks my heart. To hear that a girl was beaten and what was said from another, is downright sickening. This is why so many women feel in isolation with abuse, this is why so many continue to put up with it.
2 years ago one of my best friends nearly lost her life to her abusive husband. A husband whom she'd left 2 years before due to abuse and lies. He spent those years trying to show her he was getting better, she's got a heart of gold and never wanted to turn her back on a soul who needed help.
He lured her into a false sense of security and plotted to kill her. She is lucky to be here, she has scars far deeper than any she carries on her body and a strength unlike I have ever seen. Every day I am thankful she's still here to tell her story and to simply have coffee with me.
Thanks for sharing this Eva, it's a subject so close to my heart it's painful. x
it amazes me yet, to hear these type of stories. Often, we are unaware of this going on close by us.
Oh, what a sad story! One of my sisters was abused by her boyfriend physically and mentally. After she finally broke up with him, she went into law enforcement, I think just so she could carry a gun...
It's so sad when kids accept this type of behavior!
It is so sad that these ideas are still so prevalent in our society.
It's time more emphasis was put on teaching kids that age what they need to know instead of geometry. How often do you need to work out trig problems in real life? How often might you encounter violence against you or someone else? Even mental violence is destructive and hard to overcome even for the strongest among us. There just isn't enough protection from the law for these things. They're terrorism pure and simple.
It's a sad world when our youth have that sort of distorted mind-frame. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated or seen as the norm. Good post. I hope more read.
Oh, that's scary. I hate to think of my kids having those views.
Wow. I was 20 then. And we all knew then that domestic violence (or violence of any kind) was wrong. And it was certainly something that people spoke about then. So why do modern kids have that view? That's bizarre. I can only put it down to the ignorance and naivety of youth.
Great post Eva.
It is definately still an issue these days. I work at a school where I'd say at least 75% of the students were abused or witnessed abuse between their parents. To them it is part of life and I hear the way the talk among themsleves. It's scary.
I almost never came back. So sad that people feel they have the power to hurt other people!
- Cougs
Isn't it sad that some people think physical violence is the answer? Wow, great post.
You write about a very serious subject, and unfortunately, it is still a problem today. I was in an abusive relationship when I was a young woman, and the moment it turned physical, I fought back and made sure the person understood that I would not tolerate it a second time. It never happened again. I learned from my mother not to take crap like that from anyone. So mothers remember that your daughters will do what you do.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and the follow. I'm following back.
thank you for posting and linking to sassy's post. and yes, as soon as you told me to read hers, I did. so you still have a teacher's influence, I guess. that or I trust you to be saying something worth following.
It is absolutely stunning to me that they cheered! What on earth? And the fact that it was the whole group of them. My parents taught me to never stand for an abusive relationship and enforced such believes by having a loving caring relationship. I think the best we can do for the youth is to give a good example by not standing for abuse ourselves and instilling in there brains its not acceptable. Thanks for bringing awareness to us today!
I weep for our children. All we can do is arm our girls with strong relationships with their dads. Dads are the example of how a lady should be treated. And have our boys have strong relationships with their mother. Mothers who teach their sons that women are a comfort to you if you treat them right.
thanks for makin me think!
Stopping over from SITS!
I agree that we need a kinder, gentler world. Abuse in any form is never ok and it's never something a person deserves.
Terrific post, and I totally agree with Susie: "All we can do is arm our girls with strong relationships with their dads."
I have a niece-in-law who has been in a physically abusive relationship for more than 20 years. The first time I was aware of his violent behavior was when her mother called the police because he was banging her head into the windshield of her car. She was pregnant with their first child, and still married the guy a few months later. The abuse continued through her subsequent six pregnancies, and thereafter. He now spends at least half of every year in jail, and when he gets out, SHE'S there to pick him up, and they stay together for a month or so, until he starts beating her again. Why do women continue to go back to monsters like this?
And the worst part of this is that of her three daughters, two of them have already found themselves in abusive relationships. Maybe even sought them out, thinking that was the norm.
If you care to read more about this family, check out my blog post about the youngest daughter's wedding:
http://ethelmaepotterweneverforgother.blogspot.com/2009/05/betty-jos-wedding-part-iii-family.html
Like I have said on Sass' post, it is all very emotional for me. Brought back memories cause I have lost a dear friend to domestic violence.
I wrote a long reply on Sass' post and it is bit difficult for me to repeat it again.
so sad...very sad
did read through....
certain behaviors are hard to accept
especially violence....
but i will be honest here despite aversion to domestic violence, and that i have taken risk to intervene in somecases to stop it...
There were instances when i was myself into it, by the roadside.....
after which i was enraged to kill....
instead i choose to stay off.keep away.
let there be no domestic violence.
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