Wednesday, December 2, 2009

On Victoria's Secret

Well, the Victoria's Secret Special was on last night. I didn't watch it. . . way too depressing. I suppose it says a lot that what I did watch was "Biggest Loser!"

Because it was on last night, I thought I would do a rerun today of an old post I did back last summer. I had fewer followers then, so maybe some of you haven't seen it. If you have, I apologize, and hope maybe you'll enjoy it again:

We need a more mature version of Victoria's Secret. There should be a retail outlet where those of us who don't have the body of a Playboy centerfold can shop for pretty undies with confidence.
Just because our boobs are more bountiful than bodacious, and 0ur fannies are more flagrant than fetching, doesn't mean we want to cover them in common cotton! Are silk and satin only available in small swatches?

I propose a "Big Booty Boutique;"
A store with yards of lace and satin so sleek,
And generously sized lingerie that holds everything in--
With funhouse mirrors that make us look thin!
A store where never, never would a clerk
Smaller than a size 26 be hired to work!

At the door they would greet us grandly,
With lots of Champagne and Lindt Chocolate candy;
They would coo, "Ooh" and "Ah" at how lovely we look
As they hurried to help us with each snap and hook.
The only problem would be when we got home and took stock,
Of ourselves in the mirror, we'd be in for a shock!

(an original poem by Eva Gallant)

Aw---I know. . .I'm dreaming, right?
Have a wonderful day, everyone!


Kristina P. said...

I love this idea. My boobs need some serious help.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Excuse me for lowering the tone here, Eva but the thing about Victoria's Secret little, tiny sexy panties is, they have unfathomly skinny gussets. Gussets like string. What are those supposed to cover? If you sit down the wrong way you either floss your ya-ya in a most uncomfortable manner or else your entire lady-area is on display. To get a wider gusset you have to go buy their big-ass globe encompassing panties or every-day wear type boy shorts. What's up with the tiny gussets VS?

But I'd love to see your VS special with the more voluptuous ladies strutting it in style. :)

Maven said...

You really are a soul sistah ;)

Meanwhile, I steered clear of both programs. Both would have interfered with my otherwise guilt free chip and dip inhalation.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh how I hate Victoria's Secret! The saleswomen won't leave you alone, and always claiming you wear the wrong size bra and trying to measure you all the time!! BACK OFF SISTER!!!

I haven't worn a real bra in about 2 months. It's my new personal record.

I second the idea of plus-size lingerie catwalk!

Steven Anthony said...

lol.....funny....made me think of the dress shop they go to in hairspray.....

I just want to go on record as saying just cause Im a man, doesnt mean I couldnt use some help with my body as I age, gravity isnt kind to us boys either...

Char said...

Yeah, I hear ya. And who the hell came up with a size "0"? what? you have to view it with a magnafier?


ethelmaepotter! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jacky said...

Oh, I agree! I'm only 18, so I haven't quite gotten wide...but I am NO model. And definitely not skinny enough to feel confident in VS for long. I like the idea of choclate at the door too! Let me know when you open. ;D

ethelmaepotter! said...

(Sorry, I accidentally deleted this, so I'm retyping it here.)
I am reminded of a funny true story here:
My sister-in-law, Pearl, once bought a bra and panty set from Victoria's secret and modeled it for her husband as soon as she got home. Pearl, at the time, was mid-fortyish and pre-menopausal and a bit on the...BIG BONED side. As in REALLY BIG BONED. Especially her stomach bones.
Well, Pearl came strutting out into the living room, cleared her throat, and said seductively, "How do you like it?" to her husband. Husband looked up from his work and said, "That's real cute, Hon, but why didn't you buy the matching panties?" whereupon Pearl LIFTED HER STOMACH to reveal that she HAD bought the panties!
By the way, this story only came to light on night when Pearl and Dear Hubby had had a fight and he had a few beers in him. The fight might have been over more quickly if he hadn't told this story.

Cinnamon-Girl Reeni♥ said...

I'm all for the Lindt chocolates! Yum! I watched the Biggest Loser too!

Eva Gallant said...

Kristina: My boobs are beyond help!

Veg: I never knew what a gusset was til now: ya-ya floss?

Maven: Thank you, Sistah! (Wish I'd had some chips and dip to inhale!

Steam Me: You must have something special--I've never been approached at VC--I think they think I'm in the wrong store!

Steven: I would imagin gravity might be an enhancement to certain mail appendages! lol

Cher: Size 0--a major joke!

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

Funny that... we go to bed early and somehow the VCR just didn't get set to tape that program! Dick was asking me tonight and I gave him the frown and the: 'oh! Was that last night?" answer. All these years and the love still believes me!

The Retired One said...

I agree that the VS special is too depressing to watch. Who looks like that in real life, right????

tattytiara said...

It will happen, it will happen! I remember when I was in my early twenties and wanted a red bra. I went everywhere, and finally only found one in a sex shop. It was really ugly. Now you're hard pressed to find a flesh toned one!

Mesina said...

Oh you are so not alone! I hadn't read that post and I'm loving it!
I've always been a bit on the curvy side, and I like it to be honest. but I am so with you when I pick up a bra or underwear set that looks more like dental floss, I pretty much don't see where the support goes in all that. My boobs are more likely to stare at the floor than be standing to attention.
Ah well, I've got a wonderful sexy man who thinks every inch of me is heaven. To hell with wearing a bra! x

My name is PJ. said...

Wherever did you get my most current photo? You're noting if not resourceful!


Eva Gallant said...

Reeni: Is it bad to eat Lindt Truffles while watching The Biggest Loser?

Lucy: You are a devil! lol

Retired: No one I know does!

Tatty: I hope you're right!

Jacky: Don't know how I missed your comment before--start now making sure you never get this wide!

Messina: I have trouble keeping my boobs out of the waistband of my pants!

P. J.: nice try....we know that's not you!

Mommakin said...

I want to go to there....

Yards and yards of delicate lovelies...

Suldog said...

(Not my original; heard it before, but can't remember where.)

Apparently, Victoria's Secret is that she's a slut.

Unknown Mami said...

Brilliant! Truly brilliant!

Rinkly Rimes said...

What a great slant on something we all think about but don't very often say.

Missy said...

Love it!
I hate VS. They always try to measure you and they measure you small so every time you try a bra on, your boobs are falling out. Oh and now that I've had babies, they don't carry my bra size anymore.

Apparently, Victoria's Secret is that you can't be a mom or fluffy in order to shop there.

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

I like your idea for the store and agree with that last cartoon! I don't like bras either!!!

Congrats on your SITS day!

April said...

Great idea!! This site might be good:

They have cute underwear in plus sizes.

gringationcancun said...

I can buy the bras, but the underwear is a bit questionable! I have to buy a large, and even then it's only something my fiance would approve of.

I guess he likes that cellulite-hanging-out-of-a-lace-thong, dental-floss-stuck-in-my-hoo-hah look.

Sarah Baron said...

You are an amazing woman with a wonderful sense of humor. Did you hear the Maya Angelou quote about how the most exciting thing about growing older is watching which of her breast will reach her belly first? She said it on Oprah and the whole place laughed and cried for literally 5 minutes!

Love your site

Sarah Baron

Andrea said...

Oh that is great! When people speak of VS, I think of my mom telling me she thought they sold X rated toys there too! haha!

Yankee Girl said...

I have LARGE breasts and VS doesn't carry my size. I am relatively normal sized, but my boobs just won't stop growing. IT drives me nuts that I can't find sexy bras in my size. So instead I wear black ones that I get from Nordstrom for $130. Such a rip-off.

Bekah said...

Thanks for the laugh. My well-intentioned hubs offerred to get me VS for a holiday of some sort, and it (kinda) crushed us both when I had to tell him they don't carry my size!

Bekah said...

Thanks for the laugh. My well-intentioned hubs offerred to get me VS for a holiday of some sort, and it (kinda) crushed us both when I had to tell him they don't carry my size!

Joy said...

OMG, that last image, with the sweatshirt remark, was perfect. I am so on the same page!

Congrats on your SITS day!

tanisharankins said...

This is so funny! I have large breasts and I find it difficult to find bras offered in more stylish colors, as well. I love your blog! It's so full of energy. Happy SITS Day to you!

Gamma Sharon said...

I love sweatshirts... don't need a bra then. Lol
Congrats again!

w said...

i remember when my boobs would look people in the eye. now they're all defeated and look only at my feet.

also. the perfect bra is pretty much no bra. *runs away quick*

Kelley said...

That is so cute! You have a way with words, Eva. You crack me up!

(Thanks for linking this up with us over at #findingthefunny a couple of weeks ago! Sorry I am such a loser and just now stopping by to read it!)