Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I'm Grounded!

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am grounded.  By grounded, I mean I will never fly again.  And it's all because of that Nigerian dingaling who tried to blow up that airplane over Detriot with explosives in his skivvies!  It's not that I'm worried about being on a plane with a suicide bomber--hell, if that's how the good Lord chooses to come and get me, I guess it will happen anyway.

Previously, my reservations regarding air travel were more focused on things like cancelled flights, missed connections due to drunken, sleeping, or video- game- playing pilots, or lost luggage.  Now, thanks to Umar Abdulmutallab, the airports are tightening their security.  Don't get me wrong; I think that is a good thing.

 Security measures need to be taken to be sure travelers are kept safe.  With the installation of full body scanners, however, I'm going to drive to my destination for any future trips.  Picture it--me, in a full body scanner?  Those poor security personnell don't get paid enough to have to see that! 

I had no problem with leaving my fingernail clippers and tweezers behind, lest they be used on some overly-cheery flight attendant.  I didn't mind relying on the hotel shampoos and conditioners while traveling, when we were told we couldn't bring the economy size bottles I was accustomed to on board;  I didn't even complain  when I couldn't bring my own bottle of water with me and had to buy one for $4.00 at the Starbucks on the other side of the security gate.  Shedding my shoes settled fine with me as well.

I might be okay with a body pat down, if I get to pick the patter.  Some good looking dude with fast fingers might be the finest feel of the trip, if you follow me here.

  But I draw the line at standing in a total body scanner with the sagging girls and balding hoo-ha staring some poor security guard in the face.  I mean, come on--that person is going to have a lunch break eventually.  After experiencing Eva in the altogether, he or she may never eat again!  And I'm not going to have that death from starvation hanging over my head! No Way!  Not to mention a meticulous member of the security team  might mistake my paunch for a pouch of plastics explosives; my Poise Pad for a detonator;  and my cellulite for--whatever cellulite can be mistaken for!  Who needs the humiliation?

Nope, not gonna' happen.  It looks as if from here on, I will be taking road trips on four wheels on the highway.  Why not?  It worked out well last fall, you may recall.  Besides, I'm retired now; what's the hurry?


Mesina said...

Oh Eva, it's like you know! I feel the same way, even though I am stranded on this here island where taking a flight is probably the most common way to GET OFF THE ISLAND, there's always the Eurotunnel....or a boat. Although the Eurotunnel is a bit scary to me to say the least...I mean who the hell wants to get inside a tunnel that goes UNDER the sea? oh yeah that sounds friggin safe.
Full body scanners don't appeal to me either, but then getting on a plane with a suicide bomber equally doesn't appeal. It's fine, I hate flying anyway, when turbulance hits I get all freaked out and although I'm as quiet as a mouse my other half generally gets off the plane with broken fingers. I'm a wuss...sue me. x

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

I've never flown anywhere in my life and I hope I never have to after seeing all you must go through just to get on the plane.

My name is PJ. said...

You're right, Eva...there is no rush now that we're retired; however, if people stop flying, the bad guys win.

Full body scanners will take a long time to appear in every airport because of the cost. And, speaking as a big girl, no one is going to bat an eyelash at those being scanned. Too many people, too little time.

Vodka Logic said...

I get your points and I don't want body scans either for many reasons. One being the shock on the poor operators face... but that being said I don't want to be defeated flying, esp in my own country. strength to us all.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I've been a regular flier between the US and Europe for years (Amsterdam to NY was one of my regular routes) and I've been through all sorts of security all over the damn place. Thing is, most of it is ludicrous. I can't take my sealed bottle of water on the flight but meanwhile my checked baggage only stands a remote chance of being scanned for a bomb? Really? Shouldn't it be standard for every checked suitcase?

Presumably any would be bombers stand the same chance of detection, therefore, there's a decent chance something suspect can still get into the cargo hold.

Plus that one dude who confiscated my eye lash curler - WTF buddy? Am I going to hijack the plane and curl you to death?

The body scanners are a good idea and those weird things I've been though a couple of times where they puff air at you to look for explosives, but really, spend time checking ALL baggage and doing that stuff instead of your impolite TSA idiots yelling at me about having more than 3oz of shampoo in my carry on.

It all makes me nervous too, but mostly it's because they don't do ENOUGH to keep you safe.

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

Your hoo-ha goes bald!!! No one told me that!!! The sagging and bagging and dragging I can take. The lack of energy, the aching knee joints, the menopausal loss of sleep --- all these things I can take. But now my hoo-ha is going to go bald as well!! Oh man!! My day is ruined!! Thanks a lot, Eva!!

Feeling Fit With Dana said...

I feel the same way, but I will have to get on a plane in April. I guess that I'll just have to hope for the best.

Cristina said...

WHOA! There is no way peeps are going to be in the know like that - although, I like that the images will make me look like a clean and waxed version of myself - aka hairless?

This was awesome!


P.S. I meant to publish your comment but was multi-tasking at the time and pushed reject accidentally, I tried to stop it, but you know blackberry's. Mind of their own those things.

jules said...

I don't like the idea of being on that screen one bit either! On the bright side, enjoy the road trips! :-) Happy traveling.

Alissa said...

I've always preferred driving to flying, and as flying gets crazier and crazier I am looking saner and saner!

Chrissy MacCEO said...

I, too, don't know if I ever want to fly again. I never liked it to begin with but now my feelings are worse. There seems to be so much drama involving planes/pilots/terrorists lately and I just don't know if it's worth it at all!

TechnoBabe said...

There are ups and downs (pun) to flying and driving. At least on a road trip you can stop and stretch when you want to and there won't be a bunch of screaming kids running up and down and you can pack anything you want to in your suitcase, even your switchblade. Smile. I think that the key to the whole thing is that as you say, you are retired now and you can take your time and enjoy the trip.

DJan said...

I don't have a lot of modesty so I won't worry too much about those scanners. I've been in one before and nobody freaked out. They must be trained in the art of the poker face. It will be interesting to see how this plays out... those body scanners are expensive!

Flory said...

I can't say that I won't ever get on a plane, but I am hoping that they come up with a better solutions. Those full body scans seem like an invasion of privacy to me - they really need to think this through. Yes, safety should be our number one concern, but I'm sure they can come up with a compromise that will make most of us somewhat happy.

The Good Cook said...

I am flying to Italy this year. It is my dream trip. I don't care if they make me strut through the airport naked and help serve meals. I'm going.

Steven Anthony said...

pick the patter.....lmao....seriously, this is one of the funniest post ever;)

thanx for the laughs my friend

Kristina P. said...

Are you kidding??! I can't get enough of people seeing my naked body through my clothes! ;)

Meeko Fabulous said...

What??? Full body scanners? I'm feeling self conscious already . . .

Jen said...

Hey! That was right the latest is that rules eventually might be relaked??!! It isn't so much the US, its the rest of the world, especially smaller countries that have very lax security, because they can't afford it???!!!

Eva Gallant said...

Mesina: I'd never get off that island if I had to go through that tunnel! How scary was it when they had the power failure or whatever last week!

Karen: It is an experience I'm glad I've had, but more hassle than I need now!

PJ: You are probably right.

Vodka L: It's sure a job I wouldn't want!

Veg: You're right; you'd think they'd be paying more attention to the luggage. Of course, the guy on the plane in Detroit had no luggage; that should have been a dead giveaway! Who the hell travels from one continent to another without luggage????

Sandy: Sorry--didn't mean to ruin your day. Maybe by the time it's an issue for you, they'll be selling hoo-ha hair pieces!

Dana: Have a safe trip!

Christina: If you live long enough, you won't need a scanner to look hairless! lol

Jules: Thanks

Alissa: I prefer to drive as well.

Chrissy: I agree.

Technobabe: So true! I always like to carry my switchblade when I travel!

Djan: It's not so much modesty as a desire to spare others the shock!

Good Cook: Good for you! have a great trip!

Steven: At last! Someone who read this post as it was intended! Glad I made you laugh!

Kristina P: You exhibitionist you! lol

Meeko: At least you are within driving distance to Vegas; Puerto Rico, not so much!

Jen: Hope you're in shape for your trip this weekend! lol

ethelmaepotter! said...

Full body scanners? Are you serious?
Eva, if it's any consolation, I'm sure those security guards see more women who look like us than those who look like Marilyn Monroe.
But I sure do have a lot of weight to lose before I board my plane in November.

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

I'm thinkin I'm with ya there girl! But, maybe it's worth the screening to be in a confined space with a man in his underwear? Think about it! HMMM..

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

...And he was young too!

The Retired One said...

You just crack me up.
Yeah, my fear is when they yell: Padded saddlebags on this one! snd everyone runs up and realizes the saddlebags are ATTACHED.
You know what I mean????

gayle said...

I agree Road Trip!!

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

I hate flying with a passion. I think I have a bit of a phobia of it, but I try to suck it up and get on with it anyway.

So to me, oddly, full body scans aren't really much of a problem: everything I do from standing in line to check my bags onwards is just utterly horrible. This is just one more horrible thing to do.

Oddly, though, I doubt it'll make me feel any safer: I heard on the BBC today that full body scans would have only stood a 40-50% chance of catching the guy on Christmas Day. :(

tattytiara said...

All these wonderful excuses to strip away our dignity and rights, and how many people are still killed every year by drunk drivers?

Twaddle and nonsense, I say, twaddle and nonsense!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

I hate to fly too. Nothing wrong with a good road trip, I say.

I think I would have an anxiety attack if I got patted down.

Unknown Mami said...

I wonder if hot women will be pulled aside on a regular basis.