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Friday, April 2, 2010

Friday Funnies

Before I get to the Friday Funnies, AKA the Saturday Silliness, I'd like you to take a minute and visit Debbie Does Drivel.  Click  here to see her post for yesterday, Why I Love ME.  Read it and enjoy the video; it will warm your heart, and it makes us Mainers proud.   (I've given you chances to link to her blog.)  If you haven't been reading  Debbie, you may want to start.  As we say in Maine, "she's from away," but we'll overlook that, since she always  has good stuff; her "Clippings from the Fridge" are hilarious.  Just don't forget to come back here!

Usually this would be my Saturday Silliness post, but I have something special for this Saturday and Sunday, so here goes the Saturday Silliness disguised as Friday Funnies!  (Yep, I'm getting my addiction under control; I actually know what day it is!)


One Monday morning Phil the Postman was cycling through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles for the recycling bin.



''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night," Phil the Postman commented.



Derek, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from aroun the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.' "



Phil the Postman thought a moment and asked, 'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'



'Well, all the guys go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'


Phil the Postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'


'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times.....'




***************


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

************************


INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS


A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.


Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom..........


*******************

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."


Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.


"Will I be acquitted?"


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19 comments:

Alyssa said...

Hi I am the first to follow you from the Friday Follow. Have a great holiday weekend!

Jingle said...

that is beautiful tales...
humor is cool!

My name is PJ. said...

MWAAHAHAHAHAHA! You always start my day off with laughter, EJ! Today it was LOUD laughter!

Happy Easter! I hope you have a glorious weekend!!

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my gosh Eva! This made me laugh and laugh and LAUGH! You are so funny! I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend!

Brian Miller said...

hahaha....thanks for leading me into the weekend with chuckles...

Deb said...

Loved the mailman joke! Great stuff, Eva!

Your intro made me blush. Thank you for the kind words. Damn. Now that I'm going to have company coming over I have to go dust.

Happy Easter to you and yours.

BONNIE K said...

Thank you for the link. It was amazing.

Steven Anthony said...

friday or saturday, Im just glad you posted, these made me laugh, always a welcome thing;)

DJan said...

Very funny, Eva! I have now had my morning stomach exercises, before I even got out of bed! Thanks for the great laughs.

blueviolet said...

hahaha, so funny! I loved the jokes!

Kristina P. said...

You always know how to cheer me up!

Eddie Bluelights said...

It's a date - every Friday!
Loved these, Eva.
Oh and btw I am considering wearing a dress because it is much easier tp put on than trousers! If readers are thinking what the heck is he on about then you'd better tell them LOL. ~ Eddie

Tgoette said...

Those were very funny, Eva! Way to start the day with some great laughs! I follow Debbie and you are right, she is awesome! Great post!

ethelmaepotter! said...

I so needed this!
LOVE the last one; they're all hilarious, but that last one...OMG!

Country Wings in Phoenix said...

Good Morning Sweetie...
I am laughing so hard and so is my husband. I can't be sure if the mailman, the deer hunting with his buddies or the acquittal is best? It would be so hard to deside.

You have so made my morning. Now I can move on for the day. I have definitely had my laugh.

I will go over and visit your friend.

Have a beautiful day sweetie. I will see you tomorrow. Country hugs and so much love, Sherry

Kitty Moore said...

Thanks for the Friday laughs Eva!

Writing Without Periods! said...

Thanks for the chuckles. Friday is the best day to laugh, don't you think?
Mary

Unknown Mami said...

I love the freezer one!

Eva Gallant said...

Mary: I'm retired--any day is a great day to laugh!

Kitty: Anytime!

Steven: Glad I gave you some smiles!

Deb: Hope you got plenty of visitors!

Jingle: Love to laugh and share laughs when I can!