Before I get to the Friday Funnies, AKA the Saturday Silliness, I'd like you to take a minute and visit Debbie Does Drivel. Click here to see her post for yesterday, Why I Love ME. Read it and enjoy the video; it will warm your heart, and it makes us Mainers proud. (I've given you chances to link to her blog.) If you haven't been reading Debbie, you may want to start. As we say in Maine, "she's from away," but we'll overlook that, since she always has good stuff; her "Clippings from the Fridge" are hilarious. Just don't forget to come back here!
Usually this would be my Saturday Silliness post, but I have something special for this Saturday and Sunday, so here goes the Saturday Silliness disguised as Friday Funnies! (Yep, I'm getting my addiction under control; I actually know what day it is!)
One Monday morning Phil the Postman was cycling through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles for the recycling bin.
''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night," Phil the Postman commented.
Derek, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from aroun the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.' "
Phil the Postman thought a moment and asked, 'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
Phil the Postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times.....'
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom..........
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"