Followers

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Saturday Silliness

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a big drink. He continued to sip & talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

**********************************

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Sarasota Florida, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.





*************************



It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.


****************************


Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”


****************************




Have a great weekend, everyone!

Blogger Templates
Blogger Templates

17 comments:

My name is PJ. said...

That first one was my favorite! Tooo funny!

Mr. Stupid said...

These were all great. Hilarious post.

Brian Miller said...

see i can now that i got my smile on my face....kareem of wheat...have a wonderful weekend yourself!

natalee said...

LOL!!!!LOL!!!! I want to please have your permission to print this out and share it with our new priest.. he's a young kid with a great sense of humor.....LOL!!!!!! HUGS!! YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST ONES!!!!!!

DJan said...

Buckwheat is still around? And has converted to Kareem of Wheat? Priceless!

Mrsbear said...

I love the first joke! Funny stuff. Thanks for the giggle this Saturday morning and thanks also for stopping by. :)

Enjoy your weekend.

Debbie said...

Loved the priest jokes! I'm Catholic....that says it all!

Steven Anthony said...

Have a wonderful weekend my funny friend ;)

Everyday Kathy said...

Thanks for the Laughs! Visiting from SITS today!

Candice said...

Those were great! Loved the priest joke.

Helene said...

OMG, all of those are hysterical especially the first one!!

Eva Gallant said...

Steven: you too, pal!

Debbie: So am I!

Mrs.Bear: Thanks for returning the visit. Come again soon!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hilarious, Eva, I shall watch out for the poriest at Mass tomorrow LOL.
I'll also try to find the bottle of Vodka LOL

lakeviewer said...

Hilarious! Where do you get these?

w said...

hahahahahah! those 1st two. man. those cracked me up.

Pat said...

I feel better being a blond now. Thanks! :)

Meeko Fabulous said...

Kareem of Wheat . . . Buah ha ha!!!