Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Parker? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Parker, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Parker, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eighty years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,"'I out-lived the bitches."
******Amen to that!******************
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder; the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and
cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . . (you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
************Amen to that, too!*************
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "'You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?"
"No," she replied . . "You just happened to catch my eye."
****Kinda' gives a new meaning to the phrase, "Good Catch"*****