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Monday, August 23, 2010

Hubby's Surprise 45th Birthday Party

All this birthday business got me remembering the time I decided to throw a surprise birthday party for Hubby.  It was his 45th birthday, we'd been married for a couple of years,  and I thought the occasion deserved some kind of special attention.
What do you do to make a middle-aged man's birthday special?  You invite a bunch of friends over  and you hire a stripper!  That was my plan.  Problem was, 25 years ago, it was not easy to find a stripper in southern Maine.  There were no strip clubs in the area.  I checked the yellow pages; there were no listings for strippers other than furniture refinishers, which was not what I had in mind.  I combed the classified ads in the newspapers.  I did find a few ads for male exotic dancers, but no females! 




Finally, in desperation, I called a listing for a male exotic dancer.  "You've reached Harry's Hot Hips," or some similarly seductive message greeted me when the ringing stopped.
Feeling a little awkward to say the least, I cleared  my throat and answered, "Do you know any female exotic dancers?  I'm throwing a surprise party for my husband's 45th birthday, and I'd like to have a female exotic dancer for entertainment."  Harry Hot Hips was glad to help and very quickly informed me that, yes, he did.



"Sure," he offered.  "My girlfriend is an exotic dancer.  (love that euphemism--exotic dancer for stripper!)  He proceeded to inform me that the fee would be $100, and that she would provide her own accompaniment in the form of a boom-box type tape player.  (Remember those?  This was 25 years ago.  CDs did not yet exist.)  Now  $100 back then was a major investment, but I figured Hubby was worth it!



At this point, I should have asked for references, or at least a demo tape or photo, but what did I know?  I was just happy that I had at last found a stripper. Price comparison was out of the question...I hadn't "uncovered" any other options!  So, I agreed to hire his girlfriend for $100 dollars and gave him the date, time and address.

I was employed as a teaacher at the time, at a school about 30 miles or more from where I lived.  Most of the staff knew Hubby, because he had a seasonal job with the state during the summer months, and had often worked as a substitue teacher at my school during the winters.  When word got out, as these things have a way of doing, half the staff, including the principal and vice-principal, wanted to come to the party.  So, with the help of couple of teachers who were also close friends, plans for the shindig began to form.

My sister and her husband were to come, under the pretense that we were going out to dinner to celebrate Hubby's birthday.  We often got together with Sis and her hubby, so that did not seem unusual.  Meanwhile, as soon as we left the house, a group of four good friends of mine from the teaching staff were to come into the house, decorate, and set out the food and beverages, and let the other party guests in.  There was a church nearly across the street from my house, and guests would park their cars there and walk the half block to my house, so Hubby would suspect nothing when we returned from dinner.



We had reservations for six thirty p.m. and the plan was that we would return to a darkened house at nine.  Sis and I had trouble containing our giggles during dinner, anticipating the look on Hubby's face when he would be greeted with the word "Surprise!" and fifty of our salacious   closest friends, and then when the stripper went into her routine.  With an eye to the clock, we had dinner and were about to ask for the check, when Hubby announced that since it was his birthday, he wanted dessert.  The rest of us passed, knowing that birthday cake was waiting for us along with those fifty revellers.  We thought we'd never get him out of that restaurant, but we finally did.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, er, my house, the festivities had begun.  Booze was flowing and everyone was eagerly anticipating the performance of this "exotic dancer!"  A knock at the door was answered by my good friend Tyler, and he let the stranger in.  Back in the kitchen, he dryly told the others, "If that's the stripper, we'd better find a paper bag!"  In other words, this dancer was not exotic-looking; in fact, she was pretty close to ugly!
Nine o'clock came, the lights were turned out, and Sis and her man and Hubby and I pulled into the driveway.  The "surprise" was indeed surprising, and guests greeted Hubby, wishing him a happy birthday and grinning.  Tyler pulled me aside and informed me that my hired exotic dancer was waiting in the bedroom to speak to me.  I immediately surmised from his manner and tone of voice that she was not exactly a Raquel Welch look-alike.  (You young 'uns are asking, "Who in hell is Racquel Welch?"  Well, this was 25 years ago, and she was a beautiful actress that my husband might have actually considered leaving me for, given the opportunity!)
As I entered the bedroom and got a look at this girl, I realized that requesting a photo might have been a good idea. She was skinny, had a face that would slow down--if not stop--a freight train, and she had almost no boobs! Now every man expects his stripper to have bodacious taa taas! Not to be, this time.
She proceeded to show me a lacy camisole and said she could strip down to that and a g-string, or down to just the g-string. Beginning to feel like I had been taken, I said, "For $100, I guess you'd better strip down to the g-string!"


We rejoined the party, and shortly afterward, the "dancer" turned on her tape player and led my husband to a chair in the middle of the room, and proceeded with her "performance." I put those words in quotations, because this was when I realized a demo-tape would have been invaluable. Not only was she ugly, skinny, and boobie-challenged--she had no sense of rhythm and couldn't dance !


Of course, many of the male guests were sufficiently lubricated with alcohol to not notice these short-comings, but their spouses were delighted. (No competition here, was the general reaction, I'm sure!)
The exotic performer completed her attempts at "bumping and grinding" around Hubby and planted a birthday kiss on his cheek. I paid her and sent her on her way, and we collapsed in laughter shortly after! Hubby was a good sport and said, "It's the thought that counts!"


Note:  A few years later, one of those friends decided to do something similar for her hubby's 40th.  Times had changed.  She had many dancers to pick from.  The one she selected was gorgeous and had a body you only see in Playboy.  She drove up in a limo, emerged wearing a full-length mink coat, and from what I hear was an amazingly talented acrobatic dancer!  Sorry Hubby; maybe in your next life!

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26 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Seriously, best wife ever. Although, maybe just great wife ever, considering she looked like a female Mickey Rourke. Not when he was good looking.

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

OMG Eva, I am LMAO!! I can only imagine how hard it would have been back in the day to find a dancer. Well, for you to even consider doing it makes you a better woman than me. I never would have. Course, I think my husband now would be embarrassed if I did that for him!!

Funny thing is, when I first read your post title in my reader, I was thinking THIS was your husband's 45th birthday and thinking, didn't Eva just have a birthday, and well... it wasn't her 45th... so I thought "well, now look at you Miss Eva - you Cougar" LOL!!!

Thanks once again for the laughs!!

By the way, Raquel Welch is making a comeback these days! Have you seen her latest Foster Grant commercials? She's lookin' pretty darned hot for a lady of a certain age.

My name is PJ. said...

You should get gold stars for even trying to hire a stripper for him! That's something I actually wouldn't do.

Gaston Studio said...

How funny Eva, that the stripper turned out to be un-Raquel-like... but at least it put all your guests as ease!

Ratz said...

OMG Eva... truly times have changed... You are the bets wife ever i can say that for sure... :-D

DJan said...

My sisters hired a male stripper for my mother's 60th birthday, years ago. I guess it was easier to find a guy 25 years ago, but today... and you are just the best wife ever, Eva. He's very lucky to have you! Great story, well told.

JEN said...

GOOD POST. I REMEMBER "IT" WELL!!

Steven Anthony said...

hahahahahhhaha but bravo for trying ;)

Steven Anthony
Man Dish~Metro Style

Brian Miller said...

haha. no strippers at my party yesterday...and i am thinking this might be a good thing...smiles.

Sarah said...

It's the thought that counts, right? :)

Eva Gallant said...

Ratz: Hey, I tried! lol

Jen: So glad you still remember! lol

Steven: I do what I can! (smiles)

Sarah: That is the truth!

Helene said...

OMG, that's hysterical!! And you know, sometimes an ugly stripper with a horrible body is much better because then us women aren't stuck comparing ourselves to them. I remember once we went to a party where there was a stripper and she was HOT. I spent the rest of the evening asking Tim, "So you're really not gonna fantasize about her next time we have sex? Promise me??" I mean, really...who wants to compete with that?

Candice said...

That's freaking hilarious. The only way it would have been funnier is if the stripper had the clap or herpes.

Good job!! Good wife!!

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, I got my hubs a stripper once, and she was pretty hot. Thankfully, we had a quid pro quo kind of arrangement and "Sergio" came to strip for my birthday party. It was so worth it!

natalee said...

OMG!!! LOL!! You are such a spit fire!!!!!! LOL!! I love it...!!!! im sure hubby did too...LOL!!!!!!!!

gayle said...

Such a funny story!! It reminds of the time when I too hired a stripper for my husband. She was dressed as a nurse because everyone knew how much my husband was afraid of nurses. She didn't really strip down just to a tiny outfit.....good thing because my husband started to sweat and started holding his head. We all thought he was going to have a stroke or heart attack!

Debbie said...

I just can't imagine! Eva, I am constantly learning wonderful and surprising things about you.

Tam said...

You kill me!

injaynesworld said...

Oh, my. Yes. That was a surprise, wasn't it? What a tale for the grandkids. LOL!

Eva Gallant said...

Tam: I hope that's a good thing! lol

Canadian Blend said...

A big group of us went to a strip club for a bachelor party back in '84. As we moved from one club to another two of my friends and I ended up at the wrong bar. When we entered I noticed a sign and said to my friend, "Hold on to your credit cards. The sign says they take Visa, but I'm not sure these are the kind of people who'd give it back." We had a beer and then moved on to the "classier" joint up the street.

Eva Gallant said...

Canadian: You definitely would not have seen this dancer at the classier joint up the street! lol

Pat said...

OMG this was too funny! But I supposed men being men enjoyed it no matter WHAT the stripper looked like, right?

Wendy said...

That is hilarious! Good for you to show them all that you are number #1 in your hubby's life and that no stripper could usurp your place in your husbands heart, even if she did turn out to look like Snoopy. Oh,wait, Snoopy was probably cuter ;) Love the post...

LambAround said...

This is a pretty snazzy post, you funny gal! I left you a little something special on my blog :)

http://lambaround.blogspot.com

mrunmayee s said...

Hilarious, very aptly drafted!!! :-)