Saturday, August 28, 2010

Saturday Silliness

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so" Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before she was summoned to the Priest's office.  "Sister, " the Priest said, "You have been here for 5 years now.  You may speak two words."

"Hard bed," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"I'm sorry.  We will replace your bed," promised the Priest. 

Five more years went by before the Sister was summoned to the Priest's office once again.  "It has now been 10 years since you joined the monastary.  You may again speak two words."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"I'm truly sorry.  We will do our best to improve the temperature of the food," answered the Priest.

 The 15th anniversary of the Sister's admittance to the monastary arrived, and again, she was summoned to the Priest's office.  "Congratulations.  You have been here for 15 years!  Once again, you are entitled to speak two words," said the Priest.

"I quit!"  announced Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably for the best," said the Priest.  "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."


 As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost...


I was going to take the train to visit a personal injury lawyer. I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?"
"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling.  Someone from our office will be along shortly."





Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, "PIG!"

Man yells out window, "BITCH!"

Man rounds next curve.

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen ....

Blogger Templates


Brian Miller said...

i am sorry did you say something> smiles. aint that the truth on finding the lawyer...use your 2 words wisely...

My name is PJ. said...

That first one was really hilarious!!

natalee said...

Again I laughed so hard I choked on my coffee!!!!LOL!!

eof777 said...

This is hysterical! Did you write this stuff or did you find it? My sister sends me these stories often and I've wanted to add some to my blog... You gave an idea now.
I love them... Glad to have stopped by and now following you.
Have a great weekend!

Steven Anthony said...

I almost peed, so funny

Steven Anthony
Man Dish~Metro Style
Life in the Fish Bowl

Jen said...

FUNNY!!!! Oh,my, you are something!!Good blog....once again you do not fail us!

Debbie said...

You're a scream Eva!!

Leah Rubin said...

Eva, these are all hilarious! You rock, so we grandmas can still be pretty damn funny, right? Of course right!

Thanks for your visit-- we seem to be on the same wavelength!


Pat said...

If men would just listen...Hah!

Writing Without Periods! said...

How did you know I needed a pint of Saturday silliness?

Eva Gallant said...

Debbie: Thanks, I think!

Jen: Glad you liked it1

Steven: I see Depends in your future!

eo777: I wish I were clever enought to write this stuff! Most of it comes to me on email from friends and family who know I'm always on the lookout for some Sauturday Silliness!

Poetic Shutterbug said...

I know I can always look to you for a few laughs :D

Tam said...

Oh I LOVE that last one!!!

Eva Gallant said...

Tam: Glad if it made you smile!