You may recall a few weeks ago I published a post about Bizarre Brassieres. Little did I know that the best was yet to come! There's a new bra in town; it's called the Emergency Bra, and the video below tells you all about it:
This is real. There is even an E-Bra website where the lingerie can be purchased by the prudent and the paranoid on line. I have given this some thought, and I forsee some problems with this "personal protection device."
According to Dr. Bodnar, who was inspired to create this invention as a result of her experiences as a young doctor studying the victims of the Chernobyl nuclear meltdown, it only takes 5 seconds to unhook, remove the garment, separate the cups, reconfigure the cups as masks, and actually don the mask.
I would be a little nervous trusting the support of my girls to a bra that unclasps so easily. Consider the possiblilty of a brassiere malfunction: If a non-emergency opening occurred, unleashing the girls while I'm anywhere near water, there could be a resulting tsunami! (Not to mention the creation of a sinkhole if this occurred on land.!)
And then there's the whole "choosing a second survivor" aspect. Will men be reduced to begging to be saved? Will only women who wear the E-Bra get dates? (Who's going to want to chance a disaster occurring with an E-Braless broad beside them?)
Will men with large heads only want women with double-D boobs? Will Triple A breasted women be unable to provide protection in an emergency and therefore be shunned as companions? (And is this any different than things are now?)
Will there be spontaneous auctions, where men are forced to frantically bid against each other for the price of salvation? (Any such auction could negate the value of the bra, as the potential buyers will have been breathing contaminated air while bidding and may die anyway.)
This is becoming mind-boggling! Will men be so desperate to survive that they will be willing to stuff their faces into sweat-scented masks? Let's be real; not all ladies are particular about their hygiene, and not all anti-perspirant/deodorants can be counted on to hold up in a crisis. (I mean, what if she's not using the product that's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?) Will an unfragrant female be found liable if a fellow dies because he couldn't stand the smell?
No, my friends. The E-Bra is not the ultimate safety solution. This protective personal device may open Pandora's box, so to speak. More problems may be uncovered than unravelled; more flaws found than disasters averted.
We need to step back and really think this through. Maybe someone needs to create a "Calamity Cup" for men--one that could as easily cover the probiscus as the penis. Get working on this someone, before a disaster occurs!