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Monday, October 4, 2010

Dis-Ass-Ter Averted!

We had a near dis-ass-ter of epic proportions yesterday.  Let me start by saying Hubby, bless his heart, has many endearing qualities; being a handy man around the house is not one of them.  I would rate him as falling quite a distance short of Tim the Toolman in that area.  When there are things that need repair around our home, he has a tendency to procrastinate.

Take our toilet seat, for example.  It has been "loose" for a couple of years.  The bolts that are supposed to hold it securely have loosened over time, and as a result, you must perch precariously, or the dang thing will pinch you!  I speak from painful experience, here.  More than once when I've dropped my behind there in a hurry, the seat would somehow slip a little to the side and catch a bit of my thigh between the seat and the actual bowl.  Not a fun time!  (And you can stifle the comments about my excessive mass of thighs being the problem!)

This loose screw (the john's, not mine or Hubby's) had been a problem for a while.  Over two years ago he purchased a new toilet seat, saying the old bolts were rusted and the whole contraption needed replacing.  (Yeah, over two years ago--I said he tends to procrastinate.)  On the bright side, after enough painful pinches, I have learned to proceed with caution when touching my tender tushe to the throne!

As I said earlier, we had a near dis-ass-ter.  Hubby went to do his business, parking his pooper on the pot, and a loud crack was heard.  (No he didn't pass gas--that time anyway!)  The toilet seat actually broke in half...completely!  Fortunately, his bare butt is broad enough to keep from falling in.  I might not have been  so lucky, had I been the passenger aboard the hopper.

I will give him credit, he knew exactly where he'd stored the once new seat two years ago.  Having been in the closet for all that time, the seat can hardly be called new.  I guess I'll settle for "never been shat on."

"I'll need a wrench, a screwdriver, and a chair," he barked.  (The arthritis in his knees makes it impossible to do anything on his knees--so sad for me, but I digress!)  Excited that he was actually going to fix something, I ran to get the required tools from the mostly unused toolbox in the closet, and then carried one of the dining room chairs into the bathroom. 

He slaved, tirelessly, without the sustenance of food, water, or diet soda,  for at least 10 minutes, before:  TA DA!  Job completed!  I really felt this feat needed to be recorded for posterity.  The process is documented below:

Here he is...assessing the damage!


Preparing to tighten the nuts on the bolts....not his nuts, the hexagonal nuts that hold the bolts on the back of the seat in place, silly!


And showing off the finished product!  (I'll skip the trial run demo video, thank you.)


 He has now made certain that my posterior will no longer be in peril when I perch on the pot!  You may laugh, but only if you haven't lived in fear of peeing or pooping and putting your derriere in danger! 
I take it back--Tim "The Toolman" Taylor has nothing on my man!  My hero--even if it took two years and the toilet seat actually breaking  under his butt to get him to fix it!
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22 comments:

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

Hehe :) That was lucky!! My husband is a shocking procrastinator too...

Joanna Jenkins said...

OMG!!! You crack me up. I love that you got photos of this....
It reminds me to tighten the screws on one of out toilet seats :-)

Have a great week Eva.
xo jj

Kelley said...

Hahahaha!!! This really cracked me up! You are such a funny writer. I especially liked how you clarified which nuts you were talking about. I clicked over to your blog from LOL's site where you commented on my "Top 10 Rules of Elevator Etiquette". I am definitely following your blog now! Love it!

Fickle Cattle said...

Hahaha. That sounds yucky, horrible and funny all at the same time.

I am Fickle Cattle.

DJan said...

I never heard of a toilet seat breaking in half, but I guess it can happen, as you have demonstrated!

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

If I was a detective ... the this blog was a case ... and the old toilet seat was evidence .....

I'd say it wasn't much to go on!

natalee said...

LOL!! aww.... I love that it was a di-ass-ter....lol!!!!!

Nicki said...

Congratulations on your new throne!!! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! Our toilet seat has had a screw loose for a while too. I don't pinch my cheeks but I will be happily sitting and "making" when BAM!!! Like an earthquake, my ass plummets (about half an inch, but it seems like 5 feet) as the seat shifts. I hope I don't crack it in half!!!

Elenka said...

We had a wooden seat that broke in only one spot, not completely in half like yours. It stayed that way for quite a while and would pinch one's butt within the crack (the toilet seat's crack). Finally, we took matters into our own hands and used duct tape for a while. It occurred to me then that they should make duct tape with a wood grain finish on it. Just think how handy that would be.
Eventually I broke down and bought a new seat at Home De Pot.

Bossy Betty said...

OH! He is my hero too!!!! Loved your description of the "operation" and I am sure he just love you taking pictures of him while he was doing it!

Jen said...

Hey.....you should have had a drum roll....not for ass-ter..but for finally installing the new seat!!

Pat said...

If your husband is like mine, he would say at this point, "NOTHING IS SACRED WITH YOU!" True. Everything is fair game and blog fodder!

And you know damn well that the only reason that toilet seat got fixed is because it was HIS ASS that broke the seat!

Steven Anthony said...

oh my, that could have been bad...lol

no more pinched toosh ;)

Brian Miller said...

yay! glad he got it fixed...

so tell me...how long did you work with the file on the seat to make sure it would crack when he sat down...lol

David Waters said...

ouch...pinched tooshie...glad it got fixed before anything else got pinched ;lol

gayle said...

:)) So glad he got it fixed for you!! Mine worked on ours last week!! Great idea getting pictures!!

Eva Gallant said...

Nicki: I hope you don't end up in a pinch!

Jen: No kidding! Ir took him long enough to decide to do it!

Steven: Yes, I can now trust my tender tusche to the throne! lol

Ann On and On... said...

Seriously Eva... life is never dull with you. LOL!

glnroz said...

lololol,,, you, I think, probably, need to have a license to practice this kind of humor.. lol

Eva Gallant said...

Glen: I don't think you need a license; you just need to be certfiable! lol

Rose said...

I'm lucky, my husband is a fixer upper. cong on getting a stable toilet seat. rose

Pearl said...

:-) I need him at my house -- I've had a replacement toilet seat in a corner of my bedroom (what can I say? it's a small house!) for three months now.

I can only assume that Willie is waiting for just the right moment to replace the old one...

Pearl