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Monday, November 1, 2010

How Fairy Tales Really End

This post is not for children.  They deserve to hang on to happy endings for as long as they are able.  For the adults out there, however, it's time to give up the fantasy world and face reality.  All those fairy tales we read as kids?  Lies, all lies.   Well, at least those happy endings were.  Below are some photos that tell too graphically and too well what really happened.



Take Cindarella for example.  We were told that the prince chased her down, placed the glass slipper on her foot, proposed, and they  went off to live happily in his castle.  Not so.  In reality, his parents, the King and Queen, refused to allow him to marry a commoner.  He ended up with the ugly daughter of the Earl of Lancaster, and Cinderella ended up hanging out in local pubs turning tricks just to to survive, much to her wicked stepmother and ugly stepsiters' delight.

You remember Snow White?   That story of how she bit into the magic apple and fell into a deep sleep and was awakened by the kiss of the handsome prince, and they lived happily yadda, yadda, yadda?  That wasn't the whole story.  Sure, she married the prince.  What they didn't tell us is, she became pretty much a baby factory, popping out a princely pooper and pisser every year, working her fingers to the bone, tending the kids and cleaning his castle.  Yeah, he pretty much kept her barefoot and pregnant, while he sat around drinking beer and watching ESPN.


Little Red Riding Hood?  The truth be told here, after the Woodsman shot the Big Bad Wolf, she and grandma skinned and gutted him--the wolf, not the woodsman.  Then they opened up the first Wonderful Wolfburger franchise on their side of the woods. 

 Between the BBQ wolfburgers, and her Grandma's elderberry wine, little Red ate and drank her way to obesity, lamenting the fact that they could have made a fortune on the circus circuit, touring with that talking wolf, if they hadn't over-reacted!

Then there was Sleeping Beauty.  You know the drill; a wicked witch cast a spell whereby she was to prick her finger and die.  A good fairy tried to intervene but was only able to amend the spell from death to a 100 year nap, unless she were to be awakened by her true love.  The prince showed up, planted a smackeroo on her ruby red lips, she awakened, they wed, etc. 

Well, like most privileged men of the era, the prince decided to diddle a few damsels on the side. One of his daliances was with a lovely dish from Africa, who, unbeknownst to all, was harboring a tsetse fly in her Beehive hairdo.  Said tsetse fly came home with the prince and decided to have a little bite of the beautiful princess.  She came down with African trypanosomiasis  (sleeping sickness) and was never fully awake again.  The prince blamed himself, and consumed with guilt, never left her side to the end of his days. 

The last we heard, he had moved with her from the castle to an assisted living facility just outside the city limits.

Remember Belle, of Beauty and the Beast?  She was sent to live with the Beast in exchange for her father's freedom.  (Her dad was a helluva nice guy, wasn't he?)  Eventually, Belle fell for the Beast, and when she thought he was dying and burst into tears, her tears broke the spell a fairy had cast on him.  It turned out he was actually a handsome prince (aren't they all?) and they hooked up.  Happy ending, almost.  

 In reality, he was very shallow, and insisted she get botox and plastic surgery to maintain her beauty.  He died, and she, by then hooked on plastic surgery, made a career for herself as a singer.  She chose to leave her royal roots behind and took the name Cher.



The Little Mermaid, came to the saddest end of all.  I think the photo is self-explanatory.  Poor Ariel eventually found her way into a fisherman's net and was later served up at a sushi bar.



Note:  I would love to give someone credit for the photos, but I don't know who the photographer is.  I took the liberty of creating plausible explanations for the photos.


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29 comments:

Cheeseboy said...

The Little Mermaid looks delicious! Funny stuff!

Kristina P. said...

I'm depressed now.

Ratz said...

I am depressed. Depressed. Depressed. poor Ariel.

Brian Miller said...

ha. i think i met ariel at the sushi bar...urp...excuse me. lol. still holding on to my fairy tales...

Gaston Studio said...

Brilliant, Eva! Just brilliant!

... and very funny

DJan said...

Your mind works like this all the time? It's a good thing you are able to release your Inner Trickster with your posts, or who knows what might happen to you? This was really funny, and probably every ending is more likely than the fairy tale ending. :-)

Jen said...

Well, I am glad I do not eat Sushi!!

Eva, you amaze me......you should be writing books. Maybe "R" rated!!
How you have an imaginary mind!!

Debbie said...

I always suspected as much!

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

Honestly, I don't know how you didn't become a stand up comic! ;)

Steven Anthony said...

Belle made me chuckle...lol. as always brilliant stuff friend ;)

David Waters said...

the nice me says, oh so sad...the bad me says, hahhhaahaaahhaaa ;)

Bossy Betty said...

Whatever medication you are on--keep taking it! This was hilarious!

glnroz said...

They are there, and we be them,,or something like that..on my...

singedwingangel said...

Lmbo you always crack me up.. Only you could come up with this stuff

Queen-Size funny bone said...

you are a riot

Elenka said...

Hi Eva...I did see these pics before, but I don't know who is responsible .
The are funny, tho.

She Writes said...

Nooooooo! No you didn't! Ariel :(!!

:)

Eva Gallant said...

Ratz: Ariel may be gone, but her scent lingers on!

Jen: Thanks, sis! Nice to have your support!

Glen: I'm totally confused by your comment! lol

The Retired One said...

Let the traumatic nightmares begin NOW. ha
That reminds me of the letdown I had when my brother told me (ON THE SAME DAY at the SAME TIME) that there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth fairy. I STILL haven't gotten over it. LOL

Tam said...

I knew it! Thanks for validating all the feminist beliefs I espoused in college!

Michelle Saunderson said...

I knew it. Initially I thought poor Ariel, but she may have had the most humane ending.

Tiffany Christie said...

Here from the bloghop.
I'm a new follower. Please follow back
Tiffany
http://tiffspixiedust.blogspot.com

Eva Gallant said...

SheWrites: Arial was really quite tasty, I heard.

Tam: No problem. You suspected the truth all along, eh?

Michelle: You're saying it beats turning tricks?

Pat said...

So, what you're saying is, that song that says, "Fairy tales can come true, they can happen to you, when you're young at HEART..." isn't true. It MUST say, "Fairy tales can come true, they can happen to you when you're young AND FART!

Geeta said...

Omg I love fairy tales, and won't give that up no matter what, but even I can admit that was witty, well-done and caused some laughs! :)

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Jake said...

This was so funny that I posted a link to it on my Facebook!

Angelia Sims Hardy said...

Hilarious! I love the pictures you found. Now I'm craving Aeriel, I mean Sushi! LOL.

Stopping by from SITS.