Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha

This is a public service announcement.

  All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on..........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner, watch the grand kids come and go. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet."  So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?  I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together.  Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)  I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight, and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.  I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! 
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.  I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet.. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).  I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!  Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.  I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious...I must stay conscious.  Do I hear crashing drums???  Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.  I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.  Where is the hair???  WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.. it's not!  I touch.. I am touching wax.  I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.  Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.  Sealed shut!  I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop...My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax? 

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.  Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot water.  Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax. 

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!  God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!  I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter: 

"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me.  She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. "'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"  She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.  While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.  My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace......the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and, OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend.  It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.


I get a hearty congratulation from my friend, and she hangs up.  I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.  I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair bad can that turn out???

Note:  I wish I could take credit for this piece, but I can't.  It was forwarded to me on email and there was no author named.   So, if you're out there somewhere with your now hairless hoo ha, take a bow, and thanks for giving me and I assume my readers the best laugh of our day!

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SherilinR said...

i love this story. when i first read it a few years ago, i wished so badly that i was the one who's written it! it would be worth the pain for the awesomeness of the story! thanks for sharing the laughs!

cassienativebeauty said...

Hello! I loved this story. It was hilarious. I'm up doing my work at this crazy hour while my family is asleep. This story was so funny, I laughed out loud so hard my husband came into my study to see if I was OKAY. Thank you for making me laugh...

My name is PJ. said...

Oh my gosh!!!! My stomach hurts from laughing! What a funny, true-to-life sounding story. I roared all the way through!!!!

Brian Miller said...

omg...i am dying here...

jules said...

That is insane! I would die. I have friend who have had home waxing travesties so I have managed to steer clear on their advice!

5thsister said...

oh dear sweet Lord! This is hilarious! I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I will be chuckling all day with the vivid images of butt cheeks sealed shut and glued to the bottom of a tub! Too bad you can't give credit to the author...this is classic!

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

No, no, no! This is not funny. I felt her pain -- all of it. I'm crying for her. I almost fainted from the idea of such pain!

You heartless women, you! How can you laugh at this? This is not funny.

JennyMac said...

Wincing in pain and laughing out loud.

glnroz said...

i have been rendered, what to some is unbelievable,,"speechless"..

Gaspegirl said...

I have read this before and it ALWAYS makes me laugh out loud... thanks for the laugh today!!

Stopping by from SITS... make it a great day!

Jen said...

Laughing out loud!!! This is such a good story, one can almost see that poor woman, in the tub trying to explain to her friend, on the phone, the

Kristina P. said...

I cannot stop laughing. This is the best.

Suldog said...

That was highly hilarious. And painful, even for me who has no such hoo-ha.

Michelle Saunderson said...

I had read this before too, but it is still funny. Thanks for the great laugh.

Reeni said...

I'm simultaneously laughing and grimacing! I'll remember this if I get any crazy ideas next summer...

lakeviewer said...

Eva, I was going to ask you if you got the job done eventually, on your own, or went to a salon for professional pain applicators. Glad to know someone else authored this.

Hippest Snippets said...

This was so hip, we snipped it: Thanks for the visuals!

She Writes said...

Help, I can't breathe :)!

Eva Gallant said...

Sherilin: I wish I could claim responsibility for it, too!

Casseinative: Hope hubby wasn't too mad you woke him up!

Jules: It doesn't sound exactly like a picnic in the park!

Glen: Speechless? I don't believe it!

Gaspegirl: Glad it made you laugh again!

Jen: the author does pain a picture!

Michelle: It was the first time I had seen it. Loved it!

The Retired One said...

With a blogpost title of: "Never wax your Hoo-ha" do you think I would ever NOT read this?????
It was as funny as I thought it would be.....I can picture it.
And, thank goodness, I have NEVER had the urge to try to do this!
Still giggling.....

David Waters said...

I dont know about who ha's but back hair is no picknick

Martha Ruth said...

I am in pain, but it's a good pain. (if there is any such thing) I was laughing so hard I wasn't sure I could stop. It was worth it all, though.

Gotta be the funniest thing I've read in ages! Thanks for that!

Peace and Laughter,

Jeanie said...

Poor person this happened to... but thanks for sharing!!!

Pat said...

Funny, funny stuff! Brought tears to my eyes, but in a good way!

Kristy said...

Oh, wow! Quite the experience! Here from BPOTW this time!

Average Girl said...

OMG... i have read this before... it makes me laugh my face off every single time. Thanks Eva!

Kipp said...

I hate to admit this...but my wife asked me to test her new wax. Lets try it on the hair of your neck she said.
The part I hate to admit...I agreed.
The dizziness, the tears, the pain, the wax that was still left, the two hand method she used to FINALLY get the inch of wax off my neck. I know that feeling.
The hair that grew back on my neck a few months later was even grew back grey!