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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Saturday Silliness

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.  One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.  The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.  He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

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 Blonde Moment

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.  The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.  The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.  Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said,  "Yes, I did He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"  The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,  "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"  The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"  The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."   He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."  The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.  He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,  "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."




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Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN!


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS



Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


*********************************


I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
***************

Got a retired friend who's having a birthday, or have a friend who's retiring:  Check out the Wrestling With Retirement Gift Shop.

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23 comments:

Clipped Wings said...

Funny! Love the blond and deodorant ones.

Geeta said...

Well, I know where to find my laughs!

ethelmaepotter! said...

These are all hilarious! I love the health food store closed due to illness and upstairs bargain basement!

SherilinR said...

oh my gosh, i actually laughed out loud at the deoderant pushed up the bottom. maybe i should try it!

Ratz said...

LOL... Deo pushed up the bottom.. you have got to be kidding me!!!

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

As always, thanks for the laughs!

Brian Miller said...

oh you are too much...now i need to shampoo my hair...wonder if its long enough to curl...smiles.

Debbie said...

I always leave here with a smile!

Steven Anthony said...

I will be shampooing my hair tonight;)

Midday Escapades said...

Bwaahahahha! I love the Catholic Shampoo one! Happy Saturday my friend.

Jen said...

Good work again, Eva...I always wondered why the nuns wore "habits".....guess they did not know about the " Catholic Shampoo"!!

Claudia said...

i loved the one with the nuns - so good!
hope you're having a great weekend

Pat said...

I am DEFINITELY going to share that blond one with my friends here in AZ! Love it!

Lazarus said...

Some great laughs in here, thanks!

gayle said...

Thanks for my Saturday laugh!

David Waters said...

hahahah, you my dear lady need to take this act on the road, you would slay in a stand up club;)

Eva Gallant said...

Clipped: Glad you liked them!

Ratz: Hope I made you chuckle!

Jen: And don't forget the curlers!

Lazarus: Always happy to make you laugh!

Reeni said...

These are some good ones Eva! I am grinning from ear to ear. I had to read the one about the deodorant twice before I got it - duh!

lakeviewer said...

You ought to charge for these!

Poetic Shutterbug said...

Hilarious!!! The signage and all. Love the blonde jokes. I'll have to send it to my blonde friends.

Bossy Betty said...

So funny! Always enjoy the blonde moments!

Michelle Saunderson said...

I really like the blonde joke...lol

Eva Gallant said...

Michelle: Glad to bring a smile to your face!