Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Office Christmas Party

Ah, yes.  It's been a long, tough year.  According to Forbes, 79% of companies are going to be serving alcohol at their annual holiday celebrations; that's  up 73% from last year. You've been working hard, under-staffed, under-paid, and now here's the chance to cut loose and let it all hang out!

Having been to an office Christmas Party of two in my day, I've learned by observation and/or experience a few company Christmas Party tips that I thought I'd share with you.  The following are actions that are bound to send you spiraling on the corporate ladder.  In which direction?  You decide.

1.  Walk in late with a major buzz already brewing in your brain.  Both will draw attention to youself, and the latter will increase the possibility that you will be remembered in the morning.

2.  Ladies:   Wear something hot and provocative; this is your chance to make a statement and be noticed.  Don't miss a chance to flirt with the CEO, even if his wife is at his elbow.

3.  Grab as many free drinks as you can; the company's footing the bill for the booze, and that's the expensive stuff.  Don't waste valuable stomach space cluttering it up with food that will put the damper on that buzz.

4.  Guys, be ready for that momentary lull in the conversation;  have the raunchiest joke you can come up with on the tip of your tongue and spit it out!  Don't worry about offending's a party for God's sake.  They need to lighten up!

5.  Take this opportunity to corner your boss's boss at the bar and let him know that bastard supervisior of yours doesn't know his ass from his elbow, and you could handle the job much better.

6.  There's mistletoe?  Make sure you get "Jugs" the admin under it and plant a wet one on her while copping a feel!  Her actions may say no, but you know she's always been hot for you.

7.  Once you've consumed enough liquid courage, approach the company CEO with your idea to install  beer taps in the employee dining area.  He's bound to appreciate your ingenuity!

8.  If there's music, a little exotic dance might be just the gesture to make sure your name is on everyone's mind for future promotions.

9.    When all those beers, bourbons, and bacardis start to come up on you, don't vomit on the floor.  The punch bowl or he nearest ladies purse are safer bets.

Just one more tip:

When Monday morning rolls around, you may want to update your resume.  I'm just sayin'.

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Kristina P. said...

I work for the government. We get cheeseballs and a pat on the back.

Lazarus said...

Eva, I've seen people take just about every piece of advice you offered in this post over the years, what great entertainment! Thanks for hitting the nail on the head with this one...

tsonodablog said...

Oh Eva..........that so makes me miss corporate America and I'm almost in tears from laughing. Love the animations and your advice was, unfortunately, point-on.
Scary huh.

Thanks for the chuckles!

Brian Miller said...

have been to enough of these i my day to know not to go any

glnroz said...

you will go "spiraling" on the corp ladder,, straight down,, hehe..

Canadian Blend said...

We brought our Holiday party indoors a couple of years ago and celebrate during work hours. There's no booze, but we get an extra day off, fed, and there's a gift exchange.

Kathy said...

Too Funny! I don't know which is better, the advice or the graphics! The girl talking and shaking her head is priceless! Thanks for a good laugh :)

Jami (Sensical Musings) said...

Guilty as charged of #'s 1, 2, & 3. What can I say, tis the season to celebrate!

Eva Gallant said...

Lazarus: There's always one bozo who doesn't know when to quit!

tsonodablog: Glad I could dredge up some happy memories!

Glenn: Yep, the downward spiral!

Canadian: Seems like a smarter alternative.

Bossy Betty said...

Yes these a sure FIRE ideas! Great job! I am so glad Hubby's corporation is not having a party this year. It's real hard for me to behave at such gatherings.

Nick said...

Good advice, will be sure to follow. Funny!

Meeko Fabulous said...

There's a reason I don't go to the company Christmas party . . . LoL! I don't want to end up being THAT person at the party . . . LoL!

Sandra said...

I'm glad you added that "disclaimer" at the end about updating the resume. I think that may be necessary if one or several of the points in your post are executed.

Jen said...

Office party....any party....there always seem to be someone that must have read your post..before you even printed it..........

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Do me a favor, let me know if anyone's gonna follow this advice so I can get in my application for their job.

Funny stuff, though, and I love that "snotty chick" video/pic.

lakeviewer said...

You were as brutally frank as you could. Now, it's up to them to heed.

Eva Gallant said...

Kathy: I loved the girl talking, too. She was meant to represent "Jugs."

Jami: Don't be going any farther down the list! Trouble could be in your future! lol

Nick: Always trying to be helpful1

Jen: Yep, there's always one!

Wanderlust said...

Ah man, I missed our office party today because I was home with a migraine. No booze involved with ours, just lots and lots of food.

Love the bitching blonde girl!

Pat said...

Gotta love those Christmas parties!

LisaDay said...

See this is why I don't go to office Christmas parties. Too many rules.

Thanks for popping by.


Kristy said...

That's great! If there wasn't alcohol at the company party, what in the hell would be the use in going??

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