Saturday, December 4, 2010

Saturday Silliness

Now, That's How to Handle Airport Security!

The Israelis have developed an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.  It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person or in your carry-on.  Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

*You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

*Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight 6709. Shalom!"

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Engleanders...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through April , you live in New England

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from 'heat ' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England .

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 70 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England'

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.

If you find 20 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England.

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends & others, you live in New England.


Who's Got Dibs on Heaven?

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

(You have to have been born and brought up Catholic to appreciate that last one.  Believe me, non-Catholics, when I say it's a dig at us!


Have a great weekend everyone, and don't forget to shop for your old fogey gifts at the Wrestling With Retirement Gift Shop!  Put a smile on a retired person's face!

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Mary at Deep South Dish said...

Raises hand and waves! On to room 8... haha!! ;)

Have a great weekend Eva!

My name is PJ. said...

Hi EJ, Thanks for the morning laughs. My favorite (as a native New Englander) was Jeff Foxworthy. The Dunkin Donuts on every corner and horrifying speed of traffic really summed it all up perfectly!!

cherie said...

Loved today's post. I am new to your blog and look forward to reading your future posts.

Brian Miller said...

nice. thanks for the saturday morning chuckles eva...hope you have a great weekend...

Joanie M said...

Haha!!! Oh how the nuns had us brainwashed into thinking we were the "chosen ones" hence the only ones to make it to heaven. I was terrified to step into a Protestant church or, heaven forbid, a synogogue!! I knew I'd be struck down dead right then and there! How silly!

lakeviewer said...

Eva, I stopped reading after the first story about the Israeli airport "boot". I'm in awe!

David Waters said...

haha, I love me some silly;)

Jen said...

I kinda like the " 4 seasons"! You are quite the character, Eva.....Hsve a good weekend..

SisterMerryhellish said...

Ha! I almost sent the Catholic joke to my mother, but it'd be more fodder for the Hell fire she's sure I'm going to be in when I die!

They have Dunkin Donuts on every corner in New England? I'm moving!

Eva Gallant said...

Cherie: Welcome and thanks. Hope you stop by often!

Jen: Runs in the family, Sis!

SisterMerry: I know what you mean. My mom had big concerns about me before she passed away!

Michelle Saunderson said...

I love the airport security!

tsonodablog said...

Good stuff! Still chuckling. Found you on over 40 bloggers and love your blog!


Ann On and On... said...

You gotta (nice redneck word) love Jeff Foxworthy. If you can't laugh at yourself...well then you're boring. :D

Unknown Mami said...

Is it wrong that I like the Israeli solution?

MOMSWEB said...

LOL! Looove these...especially the one about religion. I'm sure each religion wants to be in room #8.

Pat said...

I'd like to believe I'd be in room 8, but something tells me I have a ticket in that in that hen basket!