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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Books for the Beach


Everyone likes to take a fun read to the beach, and this is beach season, so I thought I would compile a list of choices for you.  These are unique finds, for the discriminating reader who doesn't want any old run-of-the mill romance novel.  There are picks here for men and women.  Browse at your leisure!


What's My Pee Telling Me? by Josh Richman & Anish Sheth


What does it all mean? Find out in this book devoted to demystifying one of the most basic bodily functions. Complete with facts, figures, illustrations and all sorts of information about the human body, you'll never think of yourself the same way again!



How to Traumatize Your Children
                                                                    
While it's inevitable that all of us will traumatize our children, even the most committed parents have lacked guidance in doing so deliberately and effectively. Don't leave your most important job to instinct and gut reactions.  


Why Is Daddy in a Dress?


Next time you need to ask "Are you a hooker?" or "Can we stop cuddling?" - let these cute kitten and playful puppy postcards do it for you! Because asking awkward questions via baby animals isn't just adorably hilarious - it's also much easier than asking them yourself.



Passive Aggressive Notes


Part voyeuristic entertainment, part group therapy, Passive Aggressive Notes offers a fascinating look at the all-too-familiar frustrations of embattled office drones, apartment dwellers, parents, and pet owners everywhere.
Dirty Language


Say what you mean in French, Spanish, Italian or Japanese - all with a little help from these phrase books. Whether you want to say "What's up?" or "F*ck you!" - here's how to master the essentials for every encounter, from the casual to the romantic and everything in between.



Encyclopedia of Immaturity


How to never grow up, the complete guide. This books expertly diagrams and explains how to make obscene noises with parts of your body, annoying pranks for you to play on others, and (unfortunately for your loved ones) much, much more.



Farts: A Spotter's Guide


Is it true that whoever smelt it dealt it? Probably not, so get your ears ready to detect the real culprit! This funny guide will help you identify the habitat, range and voice of ten common wind breakers. Let 'er rip!



The Klingon Hamlet


There is no doubt that it took the authors an insane amount of time to craft Shakespeare's Hamlet into beautiful Klingon poetry...but really? Does the world really need this?

Quotable Douchebag


A treasury of spectacularly stupid remarks made by some of the most-quotable douchebags of all time, from David Hasselhoff ('There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me') to Oliver North, Leona Helmsley, David Blaine and others.

How To Be Inappropriate
 by Daniel Nester


An eclectic collection of all-too-true essays chronicling dry, offbeat and mostly profane misadventures, author Daniel Nester has turned a lifelong obsession with extreme impropriety into a hilarious book that's sure to make you cringe with empathy and cry from constant laughter.

Well, there you go---an eclectic assortment for those who want something a little different for their summer read.  You can find most of these on Amazon.com, Borders.com, or Kaboodle.com by title even if you don't have the author!







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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Scam Alert Follow-Up

Some of you may recall my Scam Alert post from last week.  If  you missed it, you may want to go back and check it out.  Click here.  You may recall that I was intending to get my money back through my bank. (I used my debit card for the purchase). 

Well, I received a letter from my bank yesterday telling me that because the information was disclosed in the terms and conditions twice prior to the purchase, it is considered a valid purchase and they can not refund my money.  (Here's another lesson learned:  To make a purchase on line, use your credit card, not your debit card.  The credit card company will usually refuse the charge at your request, no questions asked. )

Included with the letter was a 9-page print out of the terms and conditions of the Restaurant.com website, with the disclosures highlighted.  What the disclosure says is that "further consideration may to the restaurant may be required."  It does not state that you are required to make a purchase for double the amount of the coupon in order to be able to use said coupon.  So in my book, it's still a scam.  If it were a legitimate organization, it would state that clearly up front.  Also, a legitimate company would refund your purchase if you are dissatisfied, rather than tell you all they can do is issue a coupon for a different restaurant. 

Also, having gone back to Google, I now find there are a slew of complaints from people who have used this website and been ripped off, one way or another.  I have cancelled my debit card and requested a new one, as some people complained that the website kept hitting them with small unautorized charges each mont which might go unnoticed if you don't look at your bill carefuly.

Feel free to link to this blog or copy and post this information on your blog so that as many people as possible can be alerted to not make purchases from Restaurant.com!

And that's my rant for today!
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Monday, June 28, 2010

Swimsuit Search

It’s swimsuit time, Oh my. I can hardly wait to try
My luck at finding a bathing suit that doesn’t make me cry.
I’ll tug and pull and suck everything in,
Which is bound to increase my double chin!


Once piece or two, chartreuse or ecru;
Multi-color or plain blue?
Pick a modest tank suit or bikini,
Or the latest, “Tankini?”


This much I know
(The mirror told me so!):
This butt does not belong
In anything like a thong!


The choices are many
But I doubt that there’s any
Shapes or color dyes
That can flatter thunder thighs!


What would work for me
Is something shoulder to knee—
This plump Baby Boomer
Needs a swimdress with bloomer!


Since such a suit can’t be found,
And I looked all around,
With last year’s suit I’ll stay
And call it a day!

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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Silent Sunday


        Sometimes Sunday is just a good day for a nap!


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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Saturday Silliness

Did you know that Eagle's mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!  Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is ..... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
This so got on Harry's nerves he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT


The duck said.... 'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!!!! !



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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students and pointed out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180." The students sat in silence. "Are there any questions?" the dean asked.

After a few moments, a male student raised his hand. "How much for a season pass?" he asked.



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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,  big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent
over to pick it up....

.....then all the other bells started to ring.


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Have a great weekend everyone!

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Friday, June 25, 2010

There's Good News and Bad Newsl

The good news is after 7 weeks of that crazy ear infection and system-wide inflamatory situation, I am back to completely normal.  Well....as normal as I can ever be said to be!  (If you missed my post about my illness and want to catch up, click here.     I am off all medication (hmm...not sure if that's good or bad news--some of those pain killers were pretty good!) and feeling like my old self.  (again, not sure if that's bad or good...my old self is getting pretty old!)

The bad news is, I no longer can avoid going to the gym.  Silver Sneakers (that exercise program for the old, overweight and/or out-of-shape) is calling me....Hear that?

 "Eva...come subject your body to pain and torture.....the Goddess of Pain wants you!"


Yeah, I've been hearing it for several days now, so Tuesday I marched myself back to the gym (my inner self screaming and kicking the whole way), and grabbed my weights, my stretchy rubber band with the handles, my ball, and my chair (we are allowed to do some of the exercises while seated; some require that we be seated) and took my spot among the poor sapser, cult members, er, other exercise enthusiasts.  To my surprise, the Goddess of Torture was not there.  It seems that she is attending a reunion of dancers she with whom she used to perform at the Lido at the Champs -Elysees in Paris, France. (click on the link to get a look at the place.)  Holy crap!  This instructor was a dancer at the Lido!  I know it's been a while since she was dancing,  (she's now married and has a couple of adolescent boys), but man, no wonder she is in such incredible shape!  I am in awe!

With the Goddess of Pain off gallavanting in Paris, we have a stand-in torturer instructor.  She is a sweet little thing, young enough to be my granddaughter, and does her best to put us through the same paiu paces as the real GOP (Goddess of Pain).  Seven weeks of in activity, due to pain with any movement, is not conducive to a fun return to an excercise regimen.  Any stamina achieved during the past year is gone.  I am out of breath and gasping almost immediately.  Add to that the fact that it is about 15 degrees hotter and much more humid than when I was last at the gym, and well, you get the picture!

This is good for me, this is good for me, I keep thinking.  My body, on the other hand, is screaming, "Are you out of your effing mind??"  I survived Tuesday's session;  like a glutton for punishment, I went back for Thursday's class.  By Thurday afternoon, my legs felt like rubber, except that besides being wobbly, they ached!  As did many other parts of me.  And this was with "the stand-in;"  the true GOP won't be back until NEXT Thursday.  So I have another shot at getting a little more comfortable(?) with all that physical activity before she returns!

They say exercise is good for you; it will add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.  Now there's something you want to achieve!  And of course, the advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say "Well, she looks good doesn't she?"

I must go rest now.  Before I die.  And I think if I hear that nasty word "exercise" over the weekend, I'll wash my mouth out with choclate!

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Guest Appearance!

 Laugh Out Loud (LOL) is a website put together by the LaffyLady and features what she considers to be the funniest blog posts on line.  Everyday she showcases a blog post that is entertaining, and some are downright pee in your pants funny!  If you have written something humorous that your would like to share, or if you just like to laugh, you'll want to pay LaffyLady a visit.


I feel so special! Laugh Out Loud is featuring one of my posts today. It maybe familiar to some of you, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!  To visit Laugh Out Loud click here.     You may want to browse through the archives and read several!  They are all so much fun.  She says she post the work of the best of the "Sit Down Comedians."  I hope you will pay a visit to this fun blog!
 


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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Why Computers Sometimes Crash

You've gotta read this out LOUD...




Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the
access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.



If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!




If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.




When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk, then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM, just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!



Well, that certainly clears things up for me.  How about you?


Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives!


Note:  I wish I could claim this as original, but a friend sent it to me on email and I just had to share!

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hello from New England Bloggers!

I belong to a group called New England Bloggers, hosted by Elizabeth at Thoughts from an Evil Overlord.      Click on the link to see a list of NE Bloggers!  We are varied in our interests and writing styles, but I daresay there's something there for everyone!

Since I'm from Maine, I feel compelled to post a few pictures of some of the prettiest places in Maine:


                                                            Portland Head Light


                                                          Ferry Beach, Scarborough, ME


                                                    Acadia National Park at Sunrise

I hope you will visit some of the New England bloggers who are participating in ths blog hop.  For example  Linens and Lace in Vermont who's hosting a huge yard sale because she's moving; or Always Home and Uncool, who just sneaks over the line into New England down there in Soutern Connecticut, but we let him in the club anyway; and Commuter Daddy  who's a self proclaimed coffee addict.  There are more on the list....hope you'll do some visiting and get to know some of us from up here in the northeast!


While I'm at it, a while ago I mentioned Wild Willy's Burgers in South Portland as my favorite place to have a burger.  If you are interested int reading a more thorough review of the small New England chain, you can see it by clicking on this link.  Enjoy, but don't blame me if you drool on your keyboard!
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Monday, June 21, 2010

Scam Alert!

There is a website called Restaurants.com where you can type in a zip code and get a list of participating retaurants in that area and purchase discounted gift certificates to those restaurants.

I have some wonderful neighbors.  They are a couple in their early 40s who have 2 kids, and always go out of their way to be helpful to us.  Hubby has severe arthritis in his knees and must use a cane, and these neighbors do wonderful things like shovel our walk in the winter, mow our lawn in the summer, bring our trash cans in from the street on garbage day, and refuse to take money for their kind deeds.

When I heard about Restaurants.com,   I thought it might be nice to buy a gift certificate to an area restaurant so they could have an evening out on us.   The site advertised that I could pay $20 for a $50 gift certificate.  I located a restaurant I thought they might enjoy and proceeded to buy the gift certificate.  Once I had used my credit card to make the purchase and was instructed to  print out the certificate, I noticed that there was a minimum purchase requirement of $100 in order to use the coupon.  I saw no evidence of this, prior to entering my credit card information.

Needless to say, I did not want my neighbors to have to spend $50 on top of the certificate amount in order to benefit, so I called the telephone number listed on the website and requested that the purchase be cancelled.   I was informed that cancellation and refund were not an option, but that I could use the credit toward the purchase of a different certificate.  We went round and round, and I let them know that I did not want another gift certificate (with who knows what minimum purchase requirement), I just wanted a refund.I have exchanged emails with their customer service department with no success, and have had to resort to getting my credit card company to cancel and refund my purchase.  Their customer service says the terms of the certificate were openly disclosed on the website, and basically "tough s@@t" if I don't like it.  I know if that piece of information had been openly available, I never would have made the purchase.

I just wanted to alert everyone to the situation, and hope no one else makes the same mistake I did.  As far as I'm concerned, this website is a scam!


And that's all my bitchin' for today!

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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Saturday Silliness

Confined to Wheels


While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off is mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."

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Long Hair and Driving:




A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."


The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


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Getting Buzzed

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.  A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'



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