According to various publications, such as The Wall Street Journal, the Chicago Sun Times, The Salt Star, and the Epoch times, a major Swiss bank, USB, has issued a 43 page dress code for its employees. The goal of the bank is to “impress customers with a polished appearance” on the part of their employees, so that "customers will know immediately they have entered a Swiss bank."
A quote from the dress code which appears in the Chicago Sun Times states, “Our body odor cannot be changed. However, we can be sure that it produces only pleasant scents.” Employees are instructed to avoid garlic, onions, and cigarettes as they cause bad breath." (Employees will be required to keep a food journal, much like dieters do, making it possible to uncover the perpetrator of flatulence by finding who ate the beans or broccoli for lunch.)
All staff are instructed to wear black, gray, or navy suits; men are to use necktie knots that match their face or body type. Knee high black socks are required. and cuff links and earrings are no-no’s for men. They are not to wear the same shoes or the same tie for two consecutive days. Also, men’s underwear should be easily washable and not detectable under their clothes. Male employees are required to get a haircut every 2 weeks, avoid hair coloring, and attend to their nasal hair. (Surveillance cameras are being installed at foot and chest levels to record each man’s daily tie and shoe choices, with rule offenders being sent home to change or to the nearest bootery to purchase additional footwear.)
Ladies' skirts should be no shorter than mid-knee and no cleavage should be visible. Blazers should be buttoned at all times except when the wearer is seated. More personal aspects of the dress code advise that the best time to apply perfume is “right after a hot shower when the pores are still open.”
Neither gender is allowed to have body piercings, and both would “benefit from well-trimmed toenails.” All are expected to wear wristwatches, as this infers promptness.
Advertisements for a Cleavage Clearer and a Toenail Tracker are in process, according to Bjorn Vickers of Vickers Management Staffing Company.
Reaction to the 43-page dress code has been varied. When asked for her opinion, Olga Johansen replied, “Kneeling first thing when I arrive at work to be certain that my skirt hem hits the floor is annoying. I feel like I’m back at St. Olaf’s Convent.”
Hans Siegfried , who was recently employed by UBS as Personal Hygiene Evaluator, stated: "Gentlemen don’t mind too much when you sniff their breath, or look up their nostrils to make certain their nasal hair is under control, but tend to resent being asked how recently they washed their underwear or told that they must wear different briefs if their boxers are too bulky, or boxers if their jockey shorts tend to draw attention to their “package.” He went on to explain that the most onerous part of his duties was investigating incidents of flatulence.
“It’s an impossible task. Employees are not honest in their food journals. Just the last week, I had to scan the food journals of everyone in the Private Banking Department. The room reeked with the aftermath of a bean and cheese burrito lunch, yet every journal listed salad or chicken soup as their luncheon fare. What am I to do? I draw the line at positioning my nose against a suspected offender’s anus."
One teller on condition of anonymity, lest her position be jeopardized, complained, “Something needs to be done about the bloke who keeps ringing the teller line and between heavy breaths asking what color knickers we are wearing, and I don’t agree with the morning pat down to discover any ill-fitting undergarments. Surely, that can’t be necessary or legal.”
“I don’t think it’s right that we have to walk through a metal detector to make sure we aren’t wearing body jewelry. If I want to have my private parts pierced and wear diamond studs, that’s my business,” stated Hilda Stearns. “As long as my diamond stud and nipple rings aren’t out in the open, why should management care?”
Obviously there are some kinks in the dress code which need to be ironed out!
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