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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Knucklehead's Blog-Off Week Three: Dress for Success

According to various publications, such as The Wall Street Journal, the Chicago Sun Times, The Salt Star, and the Epoch times, a major Swiss bank, USB, has issued a 43 page dress code for its employees. The goal of the bank is to “impress customers with a polished appearance” on the part of their employees, so that "customers will know immediately they have entered a Swiss bank."


A quote from the dress code which appears in the Chicago Sun Times states, “Our body odor cannot be changed. However, we can be sure that it produces only pleasant scents.” Employees are instructed to avoid garlic, onions, and cigarettes as they cause bad breath."  (Employees will be required to keep a food journal, much like dieters do, making it possible to uncover the perpetrator of flatulence by finding who ate the beans or broccoli for lunch.)

All staff are instructed to wear black, gray, or navy suits; men are to use necktie knots that match their face or body type. Knee high black socks are required. and cuff links and earrings are no-no’s for men. They are not to wear the same shoes or the same tie for two consecutive days. Also, men’s underwear should be easily washable and not detectable under their clothes. Male employees are required to get a haircut every 2 weeks, avoid hair coloring, and attend to their nasal hair. (Surveillance cameras are being installed at foot and chest levels to record each man’s daily tie and shoe choices, with rule offenders being sent home to change or to the nearest bootery to purchase additional footwear.)

Ladies' skirts should be no shorter than mid-knee and no cleavage should be visible. Blazers should be buttoned at all times except when the wearer is seated. More personal aspects of the dress code advise that the best time to apply perfume is “right after a hot shower when the pores are still open.”



Light makeup is encouraged, consisting of foundation, mascara, and discreet lipstick. Stylish haircuts are a must, and if a woman colors her hair, no roots should be apparent. Black nail polish is forbidden. Her underwear should not be too tight. be flesh colored, and invisible through her clothing.  A spare pair of panty hose must be carried at all times.

Neither gender is allowed to have body piercings, and both would “benefit from well-trimmed toenails.” All are expected to wear wristwatches, as this infers promptness.

Advertisements for a Cleavage Clearer and a Toenail Tracker are in process, according to Bjorn Vickers of Vickers Management Staffing Company.

Reaction to the 43-page dress code has been varied. When asked for her opinion, Olga Johansen replied, “Kneeling first thing when I arrive at work to be certain that my skirt hem hits the floor is annoying. I feel like I’m back at St. Olaf’s Convent.”


Hans Siegfried , who was recently employed by UBS as Personal Hygiene Evaluator, stated: "Gentlemen don’t mind too much when you sniff their breath, or look up their nostrils to make certain their nasal hair is under control, but tend to resent being asked how recently they washed their underwear or told that they must wear different briefs if their boxers are too bulky, or boxers if their jockey shorts tend to draw attention to their “package.” He went on to explain that the most onerous part of his duties was investigating incidents of flatulence.

 “It’s an impossible task. Employees are not honest in their food journals. Just the last week, I had to scan the food journals of everyone in the Private Banking Department. The room reeked with the aftermath of a bean and cheese burrito lunch, yet every journal listed salad or chicken soup as their luncheon fare. What am I to do? I draw the line at positioning my nose against a suspected offender’s anus."

One teller on condition of anonymity, lest her position be jeopardized, complained, “Something needs to be done about the bloke who keeps ringing the teller line and between heavy breaths asking what color knickers we are wearing, and I don’t agree with the morning pat down to discover any ill-fitting undergarments. Surely, that can’t be necessary or legal.”


“I don’t think it’s right that we have to walk through a metal detector to make sure we aren’t wearing body jewelry. If I want to have my private parts pierced and wear diamond studs, that’s my business,” stated Hilda Stearns. “As long as my diamond stud and nipple rings aren’t out in the open, why should management care?”

Obviously there are some kinks in the dress code which need to be ironed out!

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Okay, now go to Knucklehead's blog, check out the other entries, and vote for your favorite (which of course would be me!) His blog is usually posted by 10:00 a.m. Pacific time.

32 comments:

Homemaker Man said...

Good post E.

Michelle Saunderson said...

And I thought my son's school dress code was harsh.

Tumbleweed said...

Nice work, Eva! I laughed out loud.

--Mrs. Homemaker

tsonodablog said...

Morning Eva;
I worked for a bank out East for 5 years and there was a strict dress code; however, it would have been considered lax compared to the one you just described. I did hate wearing panty hose all the time. YUCK

Pastor Sharon said...

Lordy mercy! Just when I thought my upbringing with strict dress codes should have made us all schitzophrenic, I have found something worse.

Eva, this is a great post! WOW!

Quirkyloon said...

"I draw the line at positioning my nose against a suspected offender’s anus."

*snort*

Wait. Perhaps I shouldn't snort. hee hee

This was hilarious!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Outstanding work! A tie knot to match one's body type? That could take days to accomplish!

injaynesworld said...

Very funny stuff, my friend! :)

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

WOW!! I don't know which is worse, the people that have to abide by those ridiculous rules, or the people that have to enforce them! Seriously, can you imagine asking someone, "When was the last time you changed your underwear?" No THANK you!!

I voted for you this morning, Eva! Good luck!!

rosaria said...

Oh my, what will you think of next?

Candice said...

No black nail polish? Wankers!

K A B L O O E Y said...

Great job -- soooo funny. Good thing I'm not a bank employee. Or Swedish.

Ginger said...

Really funny post Eva. Goodluck!!

EmptyNester said...

Are they kidding? They must be kidding. They have GOT to be kidding. LOL

Eva Gallant said...

Michelle: Do they require him to trim his toenails?

Tumbleweed: Yeah, I heard you laughed when Homemakerman said he was going to take this old lady down, too. Which makes me question your sense of humor. But I'll take that as a compliment.

Terri: You realize this is a satire, and I exaggerated some, don't you?

Ginger: Thanks! I hop you voted.

Revenge Of The Flipper Kids said...

Can you imagine if people did implement all those rules, there'd be a revolution! Although it'd be sort of fun defying all those rules. And I believe I'd pay good hard cash, at least the amount of a movie ticket, to see a stiff man (oooh!) in a suit, sniffing people's derrieres on a daily basis.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Excellent work miss E. I wonder how such a bank would gain new employees. Would they advertise in the press for a "BUM SNIFFER" or "FLATULENCE CHECKER" or maybe a "SCANTS OFFICER" to check your underwears were up to standard?

Brian Miller said...

i dont think i could exist in that environment honestly...lol

Tam said...

So I guess I should settle down about having to wear scrubs with Valentine's hearts on them. As long as they don't check me for gas, I'm good. TSA's got nothing on these guys!

Out of My Mind said...

Ok, I read the comment above so I am not sharing the LOL award that Unsound Reasoning sent me. But, so far, you are the best one I have found.

I understand your position and respect it. I just wanted you to know that you would have been my first pick.
kt

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

If I can't wear tight panties and show a little cleavage, then I'm never getting a job at USB!

cardiogirl said...

I was down with the program and was ready to apply to work there until I read that there is no Toenail Tracker in place.

I have to know the people around me have short toenails. Otherwise I cannot focus.

Well done, my friend! I'd vote for you over MikeWJ any day!

Pat said...

Wow! A LOT of thought went into this! What a great job! You've got my vote!

notactuallygod said...

It's nice to see that the nazis have given up on armed conquest and redirected their energies to less holocasty things like dress codes.

Eva Gallant said...

Veg: Can you believe that it is really in their dress code that their underwear should be flesh colored, not to tight, and easily washable??

Tam: At least you can wear any color underwear under those scrubs! lol

OutofMyMind: Thank you so much for the compliment! I hope you voted.

Cardiogirl: And I, you! Thanks for reading! And the dress code actually did contain the comment about them benefitting from neatly trimmed toenails!

Clipped Wings said...

Very funny post and interesting. I worked a short time for a bank, and they pretty well tried to run my life for me.

Eva Gallant said...

Clipped: This was satire, so there was some exaggeration...like the food journal, the surveillance cameras, the ads for toenail tracker and cleavage clearer, and the interview are fictional, but the rest of the stuff is actually in the dress code!

Eva Gallant said...

Notactuallygod: I agree! lol

Mariann Simms said...

I guess Debrahlee Lorenzana should never move to the Swiss Banking arena.

Personally, I like the fact that workers should dress super nice in banks and other places. Plus three-piece designer suits on men are like really, really, really hot. ;)

Eva Gallant said...

Marianne: I agree that men in 3 piece suits are hot, but a dress code that actually tells you what color underies you must wear and tells you to trim your toenails, is a little excessive.

injaynesworld said...

I loved this one! So sorry you got eliminated this round. :(

Eva Gallant said...

Jayne: Thanks! It was fun but all good things come to an end. :<(