Saturday, January 8, 2011
It's the Peanuts.
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender.
"I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief. "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
Cab Driver's Concern
A stark naked,drunken woman, jumped into a Vacant Taxi at a London Cab Stand. The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab..
“What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am comming from".
"Well if you'er not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"
Stories of Speeding in Maine
An Ashland, Maine policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Caribou, Maine .
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Presque Isle , Maine Police Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's Ball."
He replied, "Presque Isle Police Officer's don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
(the last 3 are for you, Lazarus!)
Sadly, I have no knowledge of who wrote these jokes....they all showed up in my email with no credit given to the writers.