Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday Silliness

To Declare or Not

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,  "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under ...your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!'

The secret to long life...
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above.She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" asked the doctor.

"Forty," she replied



        Is this statuetory rape?     Or just a moosedemeanor?


To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli), bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


Water = Poo

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Revenge Of The Flipper Kids said...

Against all my better judgement, I snorted at "moosedemeanor". Come on, that is funneee! :)

SherilinR said...

oh man, i loved the priest & the moosedemeanor! said...

Eva these are priceless. I liked them all. Each one just made me guffaw more. Thank you for the early morning giggle (It's early here) I shall now go and tweet about it.

Brian Miller said...

you know i used to work in ministry, right...luckily no celibacy...

Arti said...

Well written... This is a very good post!! Loved the second one the best!!

Joanie said...

Now I know why I'm so full of s#!t!

I've seen those jokes before and enjoy them every time I read them!

Hatton said...

love the priest joke - thanks for the laugh this morning!

EmptyNester said...

LOVED them all! But the moosedemeanor was my fave!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I liked the priest one, myself.

But the moose humping a statue? I'm not even gonna go there.

Sofia's Ideas said...

OMGosh! I was cracking up so hard that my kids ran into the room wanting to know what was going on!!!

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

I KNEW there was a reason why I enjoyed wine so much!! Unfortunately, if I keep drinking it, I'll end up looking like that 40 year old woman in your picture!! Doh!!

Donna said...


rosaria said...

I'm still picturing that priest talking about his instrument.

Eva Gallant said...

Arti: Glad you liked it! Come back soon.

Haton: It was my pleasure!

Sofia: Whoops! Hope that wasn't a problem!

Donna: Glad you liked it. Come back tomorrow, and I think you'll have another chuckle or two!

Pat said...

Loved them ALL! I KNEW there was a reason why I drank all that wine!