Saturday, February 5, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Tee for Two

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.  They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.  The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.  The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."


Channel Surfing

A husband and wife were at home watching TV.   He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sakes, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"


Satan Comes Calling

A rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me every day and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"


Chicken Farmer?

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."   He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."


 2011 Prayer

Dear God:

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.



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Ⓙ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

Thanks for my Saturday morning chuckles!

Ratz said...


Brian Miller said...

married to your

Debbie said...

Love them all, Eva! Thanks for my Saturday smile.

EmptyNester said...

Those were fantastic! Can't wait to share the fishing/porn one with my SIL who is married to my brother who fishes all the time! LOL

Lazarus said...

All good ones Eva, thanks for enlarging my repertoire, I'll feel free to steal these!

rosaria said...

All great! But the last bit, the prayer, too precious for words.

Nicki said...

Love them! Channel Surfing...hahahahaha! Thanks for sharing!

tsonodablog said...

HaHaHa. Love the chicken farmer one and the 2011 prayer.
That prayer got mixed up for me last year, too.

Claudia said...

i would love if all the priests were as inventive as the one on the golf course...

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Oh I get it. He was calling him a bastard.

Good one.

Eva Gallant said...

Ratz: Glad I gave you a laugh!

Laz: I have no ownership of the material...they were sent to me on email....steal away!

Nicki: So happy you enjoyed them!

Pastor Sharon said...

Well, here it is Sunday evening and you are still getting me to laugh at Saturday's silliness.

I saw Satan's sister at church this morning. Naw. . . just kidding. . . but that was funny.

I love the way the Priest didn't call that guy what he was thinking! That was spiritual genius!