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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Saturday Silliness

TOO OLD TO SQUAT

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied: "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40, I asked for it."

"When I was 50, I paid for it."

"When I was 60, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70, I forgot about it."

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."


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Her Fourth Marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained.................

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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This is important...... For People, 50 and older policy changes:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our senior citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

********************
 
Have a great weekend!
 
EVA

15 comments:

Everyday Goddess said...

Very cute, I like them all!

rosaria said...

I can't decide which I like best. The last one is definitely a keeper.

Facing50Blog.com said...

I'm grinning at the first one...but I'm just very juvenile!

Al Penwasser said...

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off! Too funny!

Lazarus said...

Another round of great laughs, thanks Eva!

EmptyNester said...

The first one is my favorite! Can't wait to tell that one to my brother- you'll probably hear him laughing all the way at your house! LOL

tsonodablog said...

OMG best Saturday Silliness EVER! Loved loved loved the "Too Old to Squat". OMG
And the over 50 policies. Priceless.
You Rock, Eva.
All hail to the Queen of funny!

Jen said...

I too liked -the light at the end of the tunnel was turned off!!

Brian Miller said...

smiles. thanks for the chuckles...the last one i think is my fav...

Unknown Mami said...

First one really cracked me up. Thank goodness I can still squat.

Eva Gallant said...

EverydayG: Glad you enjoyed them.

Terri: You're way too kind!

Jen: That was a favorite with several!

Reeni said...

Still grinning over the first one Eva! Too funny. Hope you are having a great weekend!

Vodka Logic said...

Im 50+ and haven't paid yet.. oh wait maybe the 30 years of marriage is payment... lol

Bossy Betty said...

Thanks for the giggles!

gayle said...

All of these made me smile!!!