Saturday, April 2, 2011
THE EDUCATION OF ADAM
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, He said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the
woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?'
And Adam said....
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
"What's a headache?'"
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. *****************
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
HOMEMADE RADIATION DETECTOR
NOTE: I checked with SNOPES and this really does work.
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble.
Follow these simple instructions, IT REALLY WORKS!!
Open a bag of Orville Redebacher Microwave Popcorn.
Leave it on your kitchen counter.
IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE SCREWED!
Jesus Knows You're Here"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so e could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard , "'Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, uh? Who in the world are you ?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Have a great weekend!