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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Public Service Announcement to the Guys!


Careful what you purchase on EBAY..... a friend of mine spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight


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Public Service Announcement for the Ladies:



GARLIC WARNING!!




For years doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us. There doesn't seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad…until now that is......

Garlic is definitely BAD for us…



"You Are, What You Eat"


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A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”



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A Case of Mistaken Identity

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The surrogate man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am" he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look!"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith  her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied.  "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am.  I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

It was then that Mrs..Smith fainted.


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Have a great rest of the weekend!
EVA

12 comments:

tsonodablog said...

Well I didn't faint, but I did have to have another glass of wine. Whew.
Funny....and a little hot.

beetlelovescupcakes said...

My gosh, what a laugh I had with this! Garlic butt is hilarious!!! Is that why witches are allergic to garlic? ;)

Brian Miller said...

oh dear lord, the first two scarred me for the rest of my life...the first one would certainly leave a much worse scar...

Sofia's Ideas said...

Eeeewww! I'm totally gonna have nightmares about garlic now! LOL!
Thanks for the laughs, I needed that this morning! xoxo

Al Penwasser said...

I looked real quick and thought it said, "Gaelic Warning." Then, I saw the picture and wished it really WAS a Gaelic Warning. Curious, did her butt suck up her bloomers?

EmptyNester said...

It's really a shame that she fainted. LOL

Bossy Betty said...

Still a little fixated on that second picture....must look away, but can't.

Jen said...

HA-HA Oh my! Those were halarious. I love the "mail order"story. The jokes were all sssoooooo funny!!! Thank you, Eva, a happy beginning for a Saturday.

Pat said...

That garlic photo is an image I have to poke out of my mind's eye!

Claudia said...

oh my goodness...couldn't read on for a while after the first one...LOL and maybe i can never eat garlic eat without thinking of that photo...agh..

Eva Gallant said...

Jen: I thought the magnifying glass was appropriate!

Terry: Are you having hot flashes???

beetleloves: You wouldn't think it hilarious if it was your butt!

lisleman said...

thanks - Mrs. Smith will never look at a tripod the same again. Very funny.
- I noticed a comment of yours about the switchblade law in Maine - thanks I found that and other odd stuff on Maine.