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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Grammar and Sex

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
 
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.  After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what was awaiting him.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'   When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.   His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Repeat Offender

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?”

”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?”

“Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

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SMART ASS:

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!


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HUNTING ACCIDENT

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew and the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.  Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.”
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

“Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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If you missed my post about the New England Bloggers Luncheon, you can read it here.  Please let me know by May 20 if you are interested in attending.


EVA

10 comments:

hocam said...

I love waking up to your posts!

Brian Miller said...

haha...really like the first one...dangling participle...really the guy that had to break in 3 timeswhould be letoff...lol

Al Penwasser said...

Great! I passed out again! I thought the title was "GRAMMA and Sex"! Whew! There's a relief.

Jen said...

Good ones, Eva.! I can't pick which one I like best....they were all great!

KSK said...

Hilarious! Dangling participle :) Very cute and clever!

tsonodablog said...

I always knew I shouldn't end my sentences with a preposition....and now I know why! LMAO

Pat said...

Great jokes today! Gave me quite a chuckle!

SherilinR said...

these were extra spicy & amusing today. nice work!

Brooke Farmer said...

I saw you talking about the Celtics on another blog so I had to stop by. (Rondo is amazing. Playing better with one arm than many do with two, BTW. Miracle accomplished.)

Today has been a very sad and difficult day for me and I needed a lighthearted smile. Thank you for providing that.

Eva Gallant said...

hocam: Love that I can start your day with a smile.

Jen: That's what I like to hear!

KSK: Glad you enjoyed it!

Terri: As an English minor in College, I loved that one, too!

Brooke: Glad you visited...I visited back!