An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The gambler made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The gambler was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The gambler knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"Son,'"he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.
Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a Living Will -
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
At that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
NOTES ON THE REFRIGERATOR
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter :
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small Difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.