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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Saturday Silliness


Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for  him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.  Men are like that, you know.

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He Won't Be Back From the Grave
 
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'


Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.  Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…………… and you know men won't ask for directions.........

*****************
 
On Retirement
 
For over 40 years his grandfather put in long hours at his job so he was more than a little curious about the way the man filled his days since his retirement.  "How has life changed, Grandpa?" he asked.

A man of few words, his grandfather replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with half of it done."

******************
 
 
Selling His Stuff  When He Dies
 
One lazy Sunday morning a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when he said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."  he answered.

She looked at him intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

************************
EVA

13 comments:

Queen-Size funny bone said...

its all about the boobs

River said...

Oh, I hope the one with the biggest boobs was also the wise investor.
Laughed at the man being buried upside down.
Thanks for the giggles, just what I needed today.

The Broad said...

You realize, of course, that the man in the first joke could have been the one in the second and third as well?! Three good ones, Eva. Great way to start a Saturday.

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

I thought #1 was the funniest thing...until I read #2!

Why is it sooooooooo funny to poke fun at the opposite gender????!!

Brian Miller said...

oh i feel the sting today...smiles.

#1 there are more important things than money you know...it is the root of all evil, right?

#2 ok, i laughed pretty hard on that one...but i dont know what you are talking about...

Gail said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh, my Saturday morning laugh...thank you!

Pat said...

Okay, so I've got the boobs, where is the man offering me $5,000?

I LOVE the husband being buried upside down! If it weren't for GPS's we'd have men STILL driving around not knowing where they were going!

Al Penwasser said...

Yeah, what Queen-Size funny bone said.
Love the marriage joke-think I'll write a post about when Mrs. Penwasser and I got married. The picture of the bride and groom would be a little different for us, though. She's two inches taller than I.
I was that drop-dead sexy in the 80s.
Yep, I keep telling myself that. I really don't know what was wrong with her. Her taste in men is pathetic.

tsonodablog said...

Men and boobage. No contest. Boobage always wins. I think it's a nipple thing. LMAO

Eva Gallant said...

Nicki: Well, you know where to come when you need a chuckle!

Terri: Yeah, must have been weaned too early!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

That first one is a classic --- so true, so true!

rosaria said...

The last one is too precious. The same man, right?

Eva Gallant said...

Brahm: That it is!

Rosaria: Could very well be!