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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Saturday Silliness

My 1 day employment  (Maxine)

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 
***********************
 
Don't Dispair
 
 
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.  Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

******************

Senior Citizen Thank You Letter
Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.  God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

******************
Never Argue with a Woman.




One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,  and begins to read her book..

The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:  Never argue with a woman who reads.

*********************
EVA

14 comments:

River said...

I loved tese! The senior citizen one made me laugh out loud.
The Sister Barbara one reminded me of the time my dad put our last ten pounds on a horse and won $400pounds. Way back in 1965 when that was a lot of money.

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

They were all funny, but Maxine is always the best, isn't she? She says what many of us think.

Dzoli said...

I am so happy taht by coincidence I discovered your blog.I love blogs or posts that even when they speak about serious things they do it in a funny way.That also tells something of teh person who writes it.
I hope you don' mind but I would love to share on my blog some of your stories
Cheers

Gail said...

Fantastic!!!! I believe my favorite is the last...all the right equipment!!!!

I have to work today, this began my day perfectly...thank you!

Brian Miller said...

haha you may just have made my day...i will spend the next 12 hours in a wedding so i will keep these in mind when i need a smile...

Al Penwasser said...

Now THAT'S the type of Wal-Mart greeter I would be!

Everyday Goddess said...

Those are great! I'm still laughing at the one from Maxine.

Happy blogging, and Happy 4th!

LBDDiaries said...

What a GREAT answer (the last one); I actually had that happen to me wherein the ex got fined for having too many poles in the boat and I was just along for the ride and reading (I don't fish). The Warden said he knew all I'd done was read so the ex couldn't claim they were my poles. Of course, I love the Walmart greeter too - what a thankless job! I will be more polite to them from now on....

Clipped Wings said...

All super funny ones. Good reading for today.

Easy-2-Save said...

Oh my gosh soooo funny! I am a new follower and I put your button on my blog.

tsonodablog said...

I just love your Saturday funnies. Starts my day off right!
Hugs, my friend.

Pat said...

See ya! I'm hunting up a horse race with a horse named "Don't Despair!"

The Broad said...

The Wal-Mart greeter and the Reader who didn't fish made me laugh out loud. Many thanks for those -- great way to start a 4th of July, not to mention a Monday!!

Eva Gallant said...

Terri: Thanks! and thanks for the hugs!

Easy2save: Welcome! Glad you enjoyed my post!

Clipped: Thanks..hope you had some good chuckles.

LBDD: So that wasn't too far fetched a story!

EverydayGoddess: I liked that one, too!

Al: That I can believe!

Brian: Hope you grinned all the way through the wedding!