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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Saturday Silliness


After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You're running around with another woman- admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."


************************



A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.

The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


****************



There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

**********************


DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!



DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY - DAY 3


At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.


DEAR DIARY - DAY 5


Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.


DEAR DIARY - DAY 6


Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice.

*****************************
EVA

14 comments:

Gail said...

Once again, you have me rolling on the floor!!! Loved them all, but I believe my favorite was the journal.

River said...

Had to laugh at Eve counting Adam's ribs.
Stupid lawyer!
Love the Dear Diary one.

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

It's a shame I can't remember jokes to retell them, because you provide potential entertainment for our weekly Saturday night family dinners. Maybe I should just take to printing them out.

Loved them. Didn't see the punch lines coming for Adam and Eve or the Lawyer and The Senior. That one was my favorite this week.

Brian Miller said...

hehe they got better as they went along...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Twice". LMFAO!
You kill me, Eva. Happy Saturday!

Pat said...

So THAT'S why everyone likes taking cruises! I KNEW I was missing something! Ha ha!

Eva Gallant said...

Dawn: Yeah, that one killed me, too!

Joanie said...

Love the senior citizen and lawyer joke!

Actually they all had me laughing out loud!

Pearl said...

I can't wait to use these jokes!!

Pearl

TLW said...

Thanks for visiting and for your kind comments about our recipes... we have several other slow cooker recipes, so hope you'll be back to check out more of them as you have time!

That lawyer/senior joke is hilarious! I can always use a good laugh. :) I'm going to have to share this post with my parents and my in-laws. They'll love it, too!

It is so neat finding a blog by someone with your many life experiences. I hope you do not find this offensive, but I really wish more from your generation would blog. I LOVE to learn from what you all have to offer.

Saretta said...

Thanks for the fun laughs, I enjoyed them all! Visiting from SITS!

Eva Gallant said...

Joanie: Glad I gave you the giggles!

TLW: So glad you liked my jokes well enough to share them! And I'm not at all offended! Hope you visit often!

Aleta said...

These were great! Thanks for the smiles!

:) Visiting from SITS

Eva Gallant said...

Aleta: Welcome! Come back soon!