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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Saturday Silliness



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


**********************



A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps,
took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year
started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a
former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he
really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the
rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down
at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

**********************************




A dentist noticed that the little old lady sitting in his chair was nervous, so he decided to tell her something 
amusing to put her at ease.
As he pulled on his gloves, he said:  
"Do you know how they make these gloves?"
"No I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand-sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.


"Oh, well" he thought, "I tried."  Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she suddenly burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"Well," she said, "I was just wondering how condoms are made!"

********************

 The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and he is summoned to the IRS office. Upon arrival, the IRS auditor is not surprised that Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk, unzips his pants, and although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side. He pees all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


****************************
EVA

13 comments:

ethelmaepotter! said...

All great, but that first one-liner is RIGHT ON!

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

The latex gloves one!

River said...

Loved grandpa peeing on the desk.

Jen said...

Gloves......good one! Another Saturday..great start for the day

Brian Miller said...

haha...that first one for sure...perfect laughter on a rainy day

Kelley said...

Love the marriage joke! Also loved the joke about the staple in the chest, but it's kind of making me gag!!

Bossy Betty said...

Thanks for the smiles. Loved the first line!

Gail said...

A basket of jewels!!!

I do believe my favorite is the last.

tsonodablog said...

Loved the marine/teacher one, but that last one topped them all. Such Saturday Silliness indeed! Thanks my friend.

Unknown Mami said...

The little old lady is funnier than the dentist.

Eva Gallant said...

Jen: glad I tickled your funny bone!

Terri: You are so very welcome! Hugs.

Helene said...

Those were all funny but that first one got me laughing hysterically!!!!!

Pat said...

Now if only I can remember that first joke to tell my husband!