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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Saturday Silliness




A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room saying to him excitedly "Grandpa, Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!'
************************


WIFE FROM HELL 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking!'

*****************************

Ray & Bubba
(Redneck mechanical engineers)

Ray & Bubba were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a dumb blonde woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the U.S. Government

++++++++++++++

At the Pearly Gates

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. 

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled  over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn?t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He 
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you." 

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."


*************************
EVA

17 comments:

Lorri said...

LOL, love it!

David Allen Waters said...

Once again you brought the giggle ;)

The Frisky Virgin said...

LOL! These are all hilarious!

River said...

I looooove redneck jokes!

That Janie Girl said...

Awesome laughs for a Saturday morning!

Have a great weekend!

Brian Miller said...

oy, i think he should treat his wife a little nicer...lol. croak...ha.

rosaria said...

I was in stitches after the first one!

Sue said...

I'm not often a big fan of jokes, but every one of these was funny.

Thanks for the chuckles!

=)

Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. :)

Nick said...

Keep 'em comin'

Eddie Bluelights said...

All gems, Eva. Love your Saturday Silliness posts. The woman from Hell was a riot LOL. Must make sure I don't 'speak' like a frog LOL

Eva Gallant said...

Frisky: Hope you got a good giggle!

Rosaria: I'm happy if I could make you smile a little.

Teresa: You are very welcome!

Nick: Like clockwork--every Saturday!

Jen said...

Good going ,Eva.I loved the frog.....!!!!

Reeni said...

I had to stop by and get my Saturday laughs! Love the first one!

tsonodablog said...

Your Saturday Silliness gets better every week. I just loved Ray and Bubba. OMG LMAO

Eva Gallant said...

Terri: I've done my job, I guess, if I caused you to lyao!

Jen: I liked the frog, too!

Pat said...

Oh, that last one was a kicker! Ha ha!