Followers

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Top Ten Reasons I Won't Join a Sex Club.

The news gets more and more strange around here.  The other day I posted about a dead body found in a freezer in a storage locker.  Today, another local headline grabbed my attention.

"Sex Club for Swingers Discovered in Sanford."  While I'm impressed with the alliteration (one of my favorite writing quirks!), I'm floored that this activity was going on just 40 minutes away from me in a former Knights of Columbus Hall, no less, and I was totally unaware!  Never once did we get an invite!  Perhaps they discriminate against old farts...I'm not sure.

Anyway, it seems the police went undercover (or would that be uncovered?),   attended a party at "Mousam View Place," and got QUITE the view!  There were lots of naked people engaging in various sex acts, free-flowing booze, cats and dogs living together....(the later being my conjecture, entirely).   I'm sure the Fuzz must have made a THOROUGH investigation!  It's a tough job, but someone has to do it!

The owners of the building at one time had a catering business at the location, prior to getting involved in funny business.  Turns out, they did not have a license to run a sex-related industry there, and have been informed that they must end all such shenanigans.  

In an attempt to uncover more information on the situation, I Googled "Sex Club for Swingers."  Holy Crap!   Hundreds came up!  I had no idea.  This knowledge caused me to do some serious soul-searching.  Would I ever join such a club?  In the end, I came up with

 The Top Ten Reasons I Won't Join a Sex Club:

10.  The climate in Maine from September thru June is just not conducive to nakedness.

 9.  Goose bumps make me look fatter.

 8.  The urge to pee is more frequent when I'm cold.

 7.  Without undies, no place to park my Poise pad.

 6.  Okay, my debit card might stay put under my naked boob, but where would I put my car keys?

 5.  Tanning may cause cancer.  (And who would go anywhere naked without a tan?)

 4.  Walking around barefoot, in a place where others are barefoot, could result in athlete's foot.

 3.  I have a tendency to spill snacks on myself;  this could make for a sticky me.

 2.  My poor mother would roll over in her grave, and I'd probably have to dodge lightning!

And the Number 1 reason I wouldn't join a sex club for swingers:

 1.  I've seen me naked; it's not a sight I care to share freely!


I guess I'll confine my exciting activities to blogging.  It's much less risky and much more comfortable!

 EVA

37 comments:

Sue said...

Amen, sistah!

=)

Gail said...

Not a club I want to join, either!

Ann said...

LOL! got me laughing first thing in the morning!

River said...

Your number one reason would be mine too!
This made me laugh..."or would that be uncovered.."

Why do people feel the need to get around naked anyway? A little clothing adds to the mystery.
Naked really only looks good on perfect bodies or anyone two years old and younger.

Moooooog35 said...

Suuuuuure you Googled it for 'information gathering.'

Also..if they put up a change of address, could you forward it to me? Thanks in advance.

Brian Miller said...

the spilling of snacks in a sex club is never a bad thing...

i mean, i understand completely...

glnroz said...

for me? I probably have more than 10 reasons, I wouldnt go.. lol

SherilinR said...

the poise pad comment made me laugh out loud!
i agree. i can never join a sex club (again) because i know what i look like naked & i would be the last one picked - like choosing teams for sports in school. and that would be so embarrassing.

tsonodablog said...

Oh gawd, MY list would be endless. Funny stuff! Thanks Eva, for my chuckles this morning!

Bossy Betty said...

I just think maybe your invitation was lost in the mail.

Kara said...

You had me at the title! And it just got better from there!

ipenka said...

Car Keys: preventing human reproduction since 1902.

Funny stuff!

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehe!!! Girl ya got me rollin' here...your too funny!

God bless and have a remarkable day sweetie!!! :o)

Al Penwasser said...

Reminds me of a Groucho Marx line:
"I'd never belong to a club which would have me as a member."
Specifically, when it comes to sex clubs and me: if their standards are so low that they'd invite me, I'd shudder to see who (or what) else would walk through the door.
Oh, and couldn't you put your car keys under your other boob?

Eva Gallant said...

Glenn: I said those were my top ten, not my only reasons!

Terri: You are welcome!

ipenka: Thanks!

totsymae said...

Too, too funny but I can only imagine how much funnier your blog post if you told of one little exploit. Lol!!

Reeni said...

Heehee...the same goes for me especially the last one! I might scare someone!

The Frisky Virgin said...

Ewy. I just don't understand that stuff. I mean, to each his own, but...ewy.

Loved your reasons, though--seriously had me laughing!

The Loerzels said...

I found out there are swingers in my old neighborhood and their houses have a large white rock in front. Now I'm likely to get into an accident craning my neck looking for rocks while driving....

Eva Gallant said...

totsymae: That's one I didn't have any exploits for!

Frisky: That's my whole purpose!

A party and A HALF said...

I knew a couple who openly talked about going to this kind of club. Always an uncomfortable conversation! haha

~Rachée said...

LOL at number 6. Literally!
Funny post!
-r

K A B L O O E Y said...

Re: car keys. That's what nipple piercings are for. Truth be told, I could probably hold the car keys under there just fine. Pencil test? I LAUGH at the pencil test.

Sela Toki said...

Eva Eva Eva, I wanted to roll on the floor in laughter. You are a brilliant hilarious writer. Are you paid for this? If so, you should be swimming in money. But truly, we've got a swinger couple in our work place. I say when you pass 40, please swing no more. There are so many other parts of the body that automatically swings for ya. Not a pleasant sight as you mentioned. So thrilled you came by my blog and I found you.

Eva Gallant said...

Sela: Thanks so much for the kind words! I wish I were getting paid!

Anna at www.mylifeandkids.com said...

Oh my - you are fabulous! I especially liked, "I spill snacks on myself..."

Thanks for linking up to Finding the Funny!

Anna

Eva Gallant said...

Anna: Thanks so much! Glad you got a laugh. Thanks for visiting. Hope it becomes a habit!

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said...

Oh my, I am actually crying that was too funny. I'm right there with you: I need to pee when I'm naked, too.
Came from the Finding the Funny Party!

Kelley said...

The one that is making me laugh the hardest is that without underwear, you have no place to park your Poise pad! Nice alliteration there, too! Hahaha!!

(Thanks for linking up with the #findingthefunny party. Hope you come back next week!)

Eva Gallant said...

Kim: Glad I could give you a laugh!

Viva La Marla said...

Poise pad! Hysterical!!!!

Also, while I'm not 100% certain so don't quote me on this, but a little birdie told me the car keys go in a bowl in the middle of the room. Dig out a set of keys, and do the deed with the car on the other end. So, no worries there. Unless you pick out a Cadillac. Can you say, ouch? ;p

Eva Gallant said...

VivalaMarla:
I'm confused! why would a caddy be a problem??

Brett Minor said...

Very funny. Spilled snacks would get annoying very quickly.

Kelley said...

I'm cracking up at you not having anywhere to park your Poise pad (your favorite- alliteration!). Ha!

Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny!

Pish Posh said...

Oh goodness. I just. Okay. No :)

Meredith said...

Ha! Should I ever find myself tempted to flaunt myself naked, this list will be very handy...

Jester Queen said...

Someday before I get my hooters hacked back to the appropriate non-back-breaking size, I'd like, just once, to work at a topless bar.

But.


I bet THEY don't want them to hang down to the ground. Can't win.