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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Saturday Silliness


You Know You Have Had

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean



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  The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. 

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the desk and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job!" 

The social worker behind the desk said, "Your timing is excellent..
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard.....for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.


You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.... and this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have
to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."
 

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" 

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ...... You started it."

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At Penn State University there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident in their grades that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some outside friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than take the final as scheduled, they decided that after the final was given they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they had visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. . . The guys were excited and relieved. . . They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . . then they turned the page. On the second page was written. . . 

 


For 95 points: Which tire? _________

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The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."


******************************
EVA

12 comments:

River said...

Love the bull-shitting social worker!!

Is there any way to move that pesky Blog Treader ad? so that it is under your post instead of over part of it?

Brian Miller said...

you mean it is not normal to lick the coffee pot clean?

tsonodablog said...

ROFLMAO on the welfare one, especially. I needed that. Now I need some coffee. Have a super Saturday, Eva!

Facing50.Blog said...

The cow wins!
Thank you for the smile again Eva.

Pat said...

These were all great! I read them to my husband while he was doing the dishes! He laughed! (I enjoyed sitting here reading them while he was working!) Oh, and I laughed, too!

David Allen Waters said...

HEY! Were you in my last doctors visit? LOL ;)

Jen said...

HaHa...a wise professor!!

Sue said...

For 95 points, which tire?

Best joke ever.

=)

Eva Gallant said...

Jen: I agree!

Terri: Good to get a daily giggle or two!

Carol: I liked the cow, too; but then I'm just a country girl at heart.

Gail said...

You are my weekend sunshine!!

ipenka said...

These were all funny but I really liked the 95 points one. Smart professor!

Vodka Logic said...

lol. lol... I was a chemistry major in college..glad I never had that test. ;)