Saturday, November 5, 2011

Saturday Silliness

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate. 
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. 

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. 

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.'

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?'

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!



Sue said...

Sounds right to me!


Nicki said...

Ahhh...sadly, too true! Here is a cute one.

Sela Toki said...

Sexpiration!!! LMBO. Have a good weekend.

King of New York Hacks said...

Hysterical !! I think I'm just pushing my luck ;) Enjoy the weekend EG ! Thanks for the laughs :)

Brian Miller said...

Legs by Rand McNally...smiles....i dont know that i want to be there yet...smiles.

River said...

I love my middle-aged body.
Every acre of it!
Not so much the road map legs though.

Al Penwasser said...

Too funny!
I agree with you, though. Even though my testicles are threatening to join my feet in my sneakers, I wouldn't go back to my younger days.
In fact, if I had a time machine, I'd go back about 30 years and slap the crap out of my younger self. I'd scream at him to "stop whining because there's a beautiful woman in your future and why don't you shave those stupid-looking sideburns already? The 70s are frikkin' over!!"

rosaria said...

Sad state of affairs, indeed.
On the other hand, we stop caring about a lot of these things, any how.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag."
Love love love this whole post! Reminds me so much of Erma Bombeck. Awesome, Eva. :)

Laurie Kolp said...

hahaha... thanks for the 'uplifting' entertainment

tsonodablog said...

Sounds good to me. I like your philosophy!

Jen said...

Really Eva, You need not remind us....!!sad,but very true!!

Jen said...

Really Eva, You need not remind us....!!sad,but very true!!

Eva Gallant said...

Sela: You have a good weekend, too!

rosaria: That is true.

terri: It's a philosophy I agree with, for sure!
(but I can't take credit for writing this....It's one of those things that got sent to me on email)

Jen: I only need look in the mirror to be reminded! lol

runawaybride said...

This is such an awesome piece of info! A little scary though... I loved the pics.. said...

Hilarious! My sides are hurting!!! My hubby's wondering what's wrong with me. Thanks for the laugh!
Glad to have found your blog via Never Growing Old list.

Kristy said...

Love your list! My leg hair growth decreased dramatically after I gave birth. I thought it was strange. But, maybe it's just that I'm getting older. I waited to get pregnant until I was in my 30's. Hair other places? Mm, yeah.

Eva Gallant said...

Gracefuly: I'm not familiar with the "Never Growing Old" list, but I probably got old and forgot about it! Welcome!

Pat said...

I DEFINITELY only retain Water!

Great post!