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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Saturday Silliness



No Mushrooms!

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others.  She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.  She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?  There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try.  She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.  Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.  Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.  After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes.  About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.  The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped!

*********************


The Golfer's Wedding


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

*********************************



                                             
The Race to the Vatican

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,
whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through
their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the
priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above
Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew
that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who
would become the next Pope.

In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn
that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even
with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
POPE SE-COLA!

************************


Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.  Both were very faithful and loving wives.  However, they had been over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi breezers."

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.  One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.  Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.  She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.  After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:  "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

*********************


Subject: A Blonde and Her Dog...

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty  minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The blonde said it was hers.

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.

The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

'No way,' said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this mornin."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."



Have a great Weekend!


EVA

12 comments:

Al Penwasser said...

Great one. Guarantee the groom's putter isn't going to get any action.

River said...

The first two made my mouth drop open in surprise, then I laughed of course. At Pope Secola too.

Facing50.Blog said...

I loved the first two, the first had me in stitches.
Thank you Eva- you make Saturdays so much fun.

Carol
x

Brian Miller said...

pope se-cola...groan..haha...that first one is a riot, and that woman better be able to run fast...lol

Jen said...

I loved them ...all!!! Never get tired of the blonde!!.....lol

Kathy B said...

I am visiting you from Over 40 Saturday Blog hop. Come on over and visit me, http://www.southernmadeintheshade.blogspot.com

Southern Made In The Shade is my blog that is less than 1 yr old. I share recipes, giveaways, product reviews,and lots of fun!!
Thanks, Kathy

tsonodablog said...

OMG, one and two both made me spit my soda all over. Funny stuff Eva! Thanks for bringing laughs to us on Saturdays!

Sue said...

That mushroom one was a riot!

=)

ipenka said...

The Fire station one was hilarious! Was expecting along the line of "ghosts" but...spit out a bit of coffee when the card was read!

rosaria said...

I can't choose: they are all superb.

Eva Gallant said...

Carol: I'm glad I make your Saturdays fun!

Jen: Yeah, I have to bring that blonde back every now and then!

Terri: Sorry about the soda....hope your computer is okay!

ipenka: That was one of my favorites, too!

rosaria: Thanks!

Pat said...

That first one was the best! Ha ha! Loved it!