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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Saturday Silliness

(Caution:  A couple of these are a little more risque than is usual.  If you are easily offended, you may want to skip today's post.)




A Police stopped an elderly man around 2 a.m. and asked him where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


**************************




FRIENDS are like panties...
Some crawl up your butt.
Some snap under pressure.
Some don't have the strength to hold you up.
Some get a little twisted.
Some are your favorite.
Some are holy. Some are cheap. Some are naughty.
And some actually cover your butt when you need them to. 


***********************************




A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us,"  So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.  The genie was insatiable.  After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,   'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

*****************************
Raisin Bread
.
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store.  
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd
like some raisin bread please!", the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top 
shelf.  The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as
he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves. 

 After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.


After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual 
interest in the raisin bread?"



Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man holding a golf club and standing among the crowd. that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
EVA

16 comments:

Clipped Wings said...

The genie one's terrible, lol, but the panty one's my favorite.

River said...

The friends are like panties one is the best!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Fantastic!!! Thank you for the laughs this morning!

Brian Miller said...

oh my...smiles...i would have know he was fake if he was not blue...smiles...

and now i understand...because i have no panties...

Jen said...

I never compared ....panties with friends.....good one!!

Terri Sonoda said...

LMAO! Good Saturday stuff. And the 'friend' one is on-point! Have a super weekend, Eva!

Pat said...

Love them! ha ha!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I like when you get all lewd. YOU GO GIRL.

Friends ARE like panties, yes. They also tend to smell if you don't wash them for a few days.

WHAT???

Sue said...

Panties, huh? Sure, why not??

;)

dirtycowgirl said...

You weren't kidding.
I laughed out very loud :)

Will be telling the genie one to Dad - he'll love that.
Cheers Eva x

Eva Gallant said...

Clipped: the genie one is the one that cracked me up!

Jen: sometimes they are just the right fit!

Terri: Glad you liked them. You enjoy your weekend, too!

Veg: You are just so bad! lol

Eva Gallant said...

dirtycowgirl: Glad I was able to make you laugh!!

Sarah said...

Hehe the genie one is a classic.

Eva Gallant said...

Sarah: That was my favorite, too!

The Frisky Virgin said...

These are great! lol

Eva Gallant said...

Frisky: Laughter is the best medicine!