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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Saturday Silliness


The Cowboy Boots
(This one is dedicated to my niece who teaches kindergarten!) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
 
She will be eligible for parole in three years!

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Wrong E-mail Address


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday , with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you arallowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!! 


********************************





THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that
Im leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didnt even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

To which she responded:

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
 
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.   About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.  So take care. 
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

***************************


Marriage Counseling
 After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.  On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. 
 
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.  The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband replied,  
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing!

***************************
EVA

12 comments:

Sue said...

Pretty cute!

=)

River said...

I like the cowboy boots one, but the best is the letters from hubby to wife and wife to hubby.

Dysonhive said...

Great read, love it

Gail said...

Just what I needed...thank you!

Brian Miller said...

that first one is too cute...and the one on the husband, though i have read it 100 times always gets a laugh out of me...

Terri Sonoda said...

These were some of the best yet Eva. Loved them all. LOVED the divorce letter though. ROFL

Laurie Kolp said...

haha... I love the first one, Eva!

SherilinR said...

i loved the little boy & his boots. and the email to that widow must have given her a heart attack.

Clipped Wings said...

Hahaha! You outdid yourself on this one. Enjoyed reading it all.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Loved them all, Eva.
My, this feature is great value for money LOL. Loved the Cowboy Boots one best I think LOL

Al Penwasser said...

Where'd you get that letter from the Bug-Eyed Ugly Woman????

By the way, Linus is my favorite Peanuts character. Charlie Brown is always whining about this or that, Lucy is too butch (or is that Peppermint Patty?), Schroeder is too festive (not that there's anything wrong with that), Marcy reminds me of that Asian chick in 'Doonesbury' (I don't know-that MAY be racist), Snoopy is fixated on WWI, Pigpen's a mess, Sally looks like Charlie Brown in drag (and that's just too creepy), and Woodstock flies as well as Amelia Earhart (ooh, too soon?).

Linus just sucks his thumb and has a blanket hang-up.

Eva Gallant said...

Dysonhive: Glad you enjoyed it; come back soon!

Terri: Yeah, there was a certain amount of justice in that divorce letter!