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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Public Service Announcement to the Guys!


Careful what you purchase on EBAY..... a friend of mine spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight


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Public Service Announcement for the Ladies:



GARLIC WARNING!!




For years doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us. There doesn't seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad…until now that is......

Garlic is definitely BAD for us…



"You Are, What You Eat"


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A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”



*************************

A Case of Mistaken Identity

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The surrogate man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am" he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look!"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith  her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied.  "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am.  I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

It was then that Mrs..Smith fainted.


*****************************



Have a great rest of the weekend!
EVA

Friday, April 29, 2011

Chastity Panties?

The other night just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Jay Leno mention "chastity panties."  Now some of my best posts are the result of something I saw or heard on The Tonight Show.  Remember Ugly Dance World Cup?  That came from Jay.   Booty Pop Panties?  Jay Leno, again.   I really need to send him an email and thank him for providing me with blog fodder!

Well, I spent some time today Googling "Chastity Panties."  Not a good idea.   Some how I knew Jay was not referring to the leather and lace, locks and chains lingerie that first came up on the screen!  I kept wondering what the heck a lady would have to do to take a leak in those contraptions!  

I searched further and found "Forget Me Not Panties."



See that flower in the circles?   That's a GPS device built in to the panties.  It will send information to your cell phone so you can always know where your teenage daughter (or potentially cheating wife?) is at all times!  There's also a hidden sensor in the crotch area that also monitors body temperature and heart rate, so if you find your daughter (or mate) is getting too excited, you can call her on her cell phone to cool things down, or drive to where she is and take her home!  Personally, I think that's getting just a little TOO personal; not to mention low down sneaky, especially if a guy is doing this to his spouse or girlfriend.  If the trust level is that low, it's time to move on!     Nope, that's not what Jay was talking about, I'm sure!                                                            


My next Google attempt for Chastity Panties brought me these!
As clever and funny as this may be, I knew Jay was talking about something slightly more serious than these britches!

So I Googled again.... this time I landed on a site called "What Would Your Mother Do? (WWYMD?) and I knew I'd found what Jay was talking about.  Apparently a British company has come up with these:
They are a line of T-shirts and and boyshorts-style panties (referred to as "Conversation Underwear.") with clever sayings on them like "Dream On,"  "Zip It!," and "Not Tonight."  From what I've read, they haven't been very effective in Great Britain, but the thought is there may be a market for these undies here in the USA where the Abstinence Movement (or maybe that should be lack of movement?) may provide a market for these panties here.   They have been advertised as "Chastity Chic Undies" and "Abstinence Underwear."

Perhaps they are meant to open the door to conversations about sex and morals between mothers and daughters.  That could be a good thing.

But as Jay Leno said, "If your daughter's at the point where her date is reading her underwear, chances are, it may be already too late!"

Any thoughts?

EVA

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Spring Cleaning

(This is not an "Eva Original."  It came to me on email but I just had to share it!)
Spring Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'



He told me to get off my fanny,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.



I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'



But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.



Nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

I guess I should get off my hiney!

EVA

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

New Word Wednesday #20

Every time I comment on a website where I have to type a word verification to get my comment posted, I can't help but think, "What a waste! What could possibly be a very helpful word is now going to disappear and never be seen again." With all the attention being paid to "going green" in this country, I think it's time for bloggers to go green and recycle the letter combos used in word verification. (I personally did away with the process to eliminate the waste of words, but some people just aren't as conservation minded!)

I decided several weeks ago to start a meme called "New Word Wednesday", thus creating a dictionary of new words based on the letter combos that pop up in the word verification process. You may feel free to do the same, or to grab my words and use them. (You know, if you use a new word three times, it's in your vocabulary forever; at least that's what I've heard) Just think, we can learn new words and go green just by recycling/reusing the words that show up at comment time.

Here are this week's words:


consib:  (noun) a brother or sister who is incarcerated; as in, "Herb is working very hard to get his consib released with DNA evidence."

cyconag:  (noun) the term used to refer to a wife who is borderline pyschotic and constantly fault-finding; as in,  Henry's wife's behaviour was so erratic and belittling, he referred to her as his cyconag.

iness:  (adjective) a word used to describe a person's excessive ego; as in "Martha broke up with Tom because she could no longer tolerate his iness."

refrapim:  (verb)  an action performed at an ice cream parlor when someone is dissatisfied with their milkshake, as in, "When George complained that his milkshake was watery, the clerk decided to refrapim."

turtor:  (noun)  a term used to describe a shelled reptile when one is not sure whether it is a turtle or a turtoise, as in:  "The Zookeeper directed the children's attention to the turtor sunning itself on a rock."
Remember, use them 3 times in a sentence and they are in your vocabulary forever!
Eva

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Help Wanted

Wanted, young, beautiful woman with a smokin' body and few morals to fill position vacated by former goddess Bree Olson.  Must be under 25 and open to threesomes with another beautiful woman and a pushing-50 crackhead, pictued below.



Some travel required (Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option Tour)and lots of girl on girl kissing on stage in an effort to keep show attendees from demanding a refund.  Must have a tolerance for tiger's blood.  May occasionally be asked to pose with two toddlers and look like a doting mother-subsitute.

Other helpful traits would be experience as a porn star or as a prostitute, a high disgust tolerance, a desire to be featured in tabloid newspapers, and and affinity for wild partying.

Benefits include luxurious living accommodations, on site gym, swimming pool, and wild three-way sex, and duh, Winning!

Please apply at Silver (Sober?) Valley Lodge.  No phone calls please.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Mexican Monday

I thought I'd try sharing another recipe today. I call this Mexican Lasagna, because it is made up of layers like lasagna, and has a Mexican flavor.  This recipe is not from a cookbook.  It's an Eva original.
Proceed at your own risk!



Ingredients:

1 lb. hamburger
1 envelope taco seasoning
1 can diced tomatoes
1 package Spanish Ricd-a-Roni
1 jar chunky salsa
3 or 4 soft tortilla shells
1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
water as required

Prepare Rice-a-Roni according to directions, adding the can of diced tomatoes; brown the hamburger 'til thoroughly cooked, then add the taco seasoning and follow the directions on the envelope. When rice is almost done (still some liquid left).

Spray a deep 9"x 9" pan with non-stick spray. Place a soft tortilla shell on the bottom of the pan. Spread some of the seasoned hamburger over the shell. Cover meat with a layer of Spanish Rice. Top rice with a layer of salsa. Top salsa with shredded cheddar. Add another soft tortilla shell and repeat layers. (How many layers depends on the depth of the pan, and how long your ingredients last. )



I was able to get two complete layers of all ingredients, which used up all the beef. Then I topped it all with another tortilla shell, the rest of the rice, some salsa, and last of all, the shredded cheddar. Because my pan was filled to nearly over-flowing, I covered a cookie sheet with nonstick aluminum foil and placed the casserole on it, to catch any drippings. Bake in a 375 degree preheated oven for 30 minutes.

Serve with sour cream and a salad.




Enjoy!

EVA

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Identify Theft Warning

Sundays in My Neck of the Woods Is on hiatus today in order to bring you this Public Service Announcement from the Easter Bunny:

Beware of Identity Theft Today!












Have a Happy Easter!

EVA

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Saturday Silliness

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."The blonde says, " Don 't worry."She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet,turns and waves,and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

(This is bad!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(It's not too late--You can still escape!)
(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."



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3 Blondes Explaining Easter        (Veg, this one's for you!)

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

********************************

The trucker's breakfast:

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards...... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon! "

"Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

Note: No blondes were injured in the for the purpose of this post.
Have a great rest of the weekend.
EVA

Friday, April 22, 2011

Spring Flowers?

I'm cheating again.   I'm dragging butt 'cause it was my day to go to the Chamber of Horrors, and I might have had to have a nooner.   Then I'm still trying to figure out the Kindle thing, but this came to me on email and the photos were so beautiful, I had to share them!


At first glance, it looks like a giant child armed with a box of crayons has been set loose upon the landscape. Vivid stripes of purple, yellow, red, pink, orange and green make up A glorious patchwork. Yet far from being a child’s sketchbook, this is, in fact, the northern Netherlands in the middle of tulip season. The Dutch landscape in April is a kaleidoscope of color as the tulips burst into life. The bulbs are planted in late October and early November. About 10 million tulips are grown each year and two-thirds of the vibrant blooms are exported, mostly to the U.S. and Germany.
 













Thursday, April 21, 2011

Kindle Challenges Me!

I have nothing great today.   I have been working very hard on trying to publish a book on Kindle.  I'm having a problem, so if you have published a book on Kindle successfully, please email me your phone number.  I have unlimited long distance and would love to have someone explain to  me what I'm doing wrong.  I have it uploaded as a draft, but it doesn't quite look right on preview.  Please, please, please, help me if you can! evag@maine.rr.com

Also, I still haven't received the photos promised for the Bloggers' Swimsuit Edition.   Unless I receive another by the end of this month, I will have to end the series in May.  And it's been so popular, I had doing that!  Send photos to email address above!

Oh, wait.  In case you didn't see Ellen Degenerous today, she had an amazing young couple on her show today.   You have to watch the whole video to truly appreciate this girl's talent!  I loved it!  Enjoy!




I had something great after all!

EVA

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

New Word Wednesday #19

Every time I comment on a website where I have to type a word verification to get my comment posted, I can't help but think, "What a waste! What could possibly be a very helpful word is now going to disappear and never be seen again." With all the attention being paid to "going green" in this country, I think it's time for bloggers to go green and recycle the letter combos used in word verification. (I personally did away with the process to eliminate the waste of words, but some people just aren't as conservation minded!)

I decided several weeks ago to start a meme called "New Word Wednesday", thus creating a dictionary of new words based on the letter combos that pop up in the word verification process. You may feel free to do the same, or to grab my words and use them. (You know, if you use a new word three times, it's in your vocabulary forever; at least that's what I've heard) Just think, we can learn new words and go green just by recycling/reusing the words that show up at comment time.


Here are this week's words:



brable:  (noun)  the excess flesh that doesn't fit into the cups of a bra when the wearer has gained a couple of pounds; as in, "Karen was perturbed when she realized her brable was evident through her sweater."
 
indeskil:  (noun)  the tendency to drive at excess speeds as though a racecar driver with believed infallibility; as in, "Jason accumulated a number of speeding tickets as a teen because he thought he had indeskil.

sishingi: (adjective) having a distinct fishy smell; as in, "After Adam pigged out on sushi, his breath was decidedly sishingi."



snesart:  ( noun) the residue left on a surface after someone has had a particularly messy sneeze; as in, "The kitchen table was the canvas for Jonathan's snesart."

tonized:   (adjective)   the condition of frizzy hair as a result of having had too many home perms; as in, "Betty's hair had been tonized to the point where it resembled a Brillo pad."

Don't forget...use them 3 times and they are in your vocabulary forever.

EVA

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Wonderjock Pro

At last, men have an answer to the Wonder Bra that kept them wondering, "Are they real?"  It seems only fair that an underwear manufacturer in Australia has "put out" a bulge-boosting jock.  And the demand for "enhanced pants" is getting larger by the minute.  The first 10 days resulted in the sale of 40,000 pairs of the padded banana pouches!

Apparently men have been pleading for more padding for some time; the company has been selling underwear with a little extra for four years.  This latest launch of the Wonderjock Pro is seen as the equivalent of the women's Wonder Bra.  With a guarantee of more lift, these undies cause privates to protrude out front rather than lounge limply, providing the wearer with a "package to be proud of." 

"Where can I get me some?" you're asking, I know.   Well, they sit on the shelves of the high-brow Harrod's next to the Calvin Kleins.    Wouldn't be caught dead buying briefs with a better bulge?  Don't worry...they are available online, so you can increase your "look" in confidence.  (And Father's Day isn't too far away, ladies!  This could be the perfect pecker-picker-upper for the man in your life.)

I suppose now we ladies will be asking, "Are you really glad to see me, or are you wearing your enhanced pants?"

I felt the posting a photo of the phony front skivvies was just a little too racy for my blog; if you want to catch a peek, click here.   But don't say I didn't warn you!

Source:  The telegraph.com.au

EVA

Monday, April 18, 2011

Royal Wedding Preview

Because of decision to not travel anywhere by airplane (I know, I'm passing up the free Xray, massage, and breast exam!), I will be unable to attend the Royal Wedding.  My BFF Kate was so upset by my RSVP  news that she sent me this wedding preview, so I wouldn't be left out altogether.

  Because I'm not one to keep my good fortune to myself, I decided to post the video here on my blog so that any of my readers who did not get an invite might have the same opportunity as I to feel included in the fesivities.  

Now there's no need to thank me, just enjoy this special preview of Prince William and Lady Kate's nuptials!



EVA

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sundays in My Neck of the Woods

Amato's is a convenience store/sandwich shop chain started in 1902 in Maine and now has at least 29 locations in Maine, 10 in Vermont, 5 in New Hampshire, and 1 in New York.

The store we visited on this day was at 469 Main Street, in Saco, Maine.  This one has a dining area with 8 or 10 booths for eating on site; some of the facilities are takeout only.  All are consistent, however in providing great sandwiches, pizza, etc., at reasonable prices.

At lunch time, there are usually hot and cold options ready for you to pick up on the spot if you're in a hurry.  We were well past the lunch time, so most of the premade items had already been bought. 

They also offer a selection of pasta salads, chef's salads, and desserts all packaged and ready to go.
If you don't see what you want, the crew behind the counter will prepare the sandwich, pizza, or pasta meal of your choice while you wait.

Amato's specialty is what we call an Italian sandwich, loaded with your choice of ham or salami, onions, tomatoes, green peppers, pickles, black olives, and a drizzling of olive oil.  All the veggies are fresh and crisp....even in January they have gorgeous red tomato slices and crisp green pepper slices on fresh Italian bread.

I selected the cheese pazzo bread which was packaged and ready for take out.

It's a lot like pizza dough with garlic and cheese on it, with a side serving of pizza sauce for dipping.  So yummy!

Hubby opted for an Italian sandwich with salami and no olives.   It smelled delicious!

He also picked one of their ready to go salads.

It , too, had crisp, fresh veggies--cherry tomatoes, onion, cucumbers, green peppers, lettuce, and black olives (he picked those off.).  Because this shop has a dining area, we ate there on this particular day, but we have often bought takeout and enjoyed the meal at home.

They also cater and offer things like spaghetti sauce and meatballs in quantity.  Check out their website to view their entire menu and get a list of locations.  Click here.

Note:  I was not compensated in any way for this review; I paid for our meals and the opinions expressed are mine only.

EVA