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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Saturday Silliness

You Know It's Time to Diet When...

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. 

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I love Christmas Lights, They remind me of politicians!
They all hang together,
half the suckers don't work,
and the ones that do aren't that bright!


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The End is Near!

  _ Olaf is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor
Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

 One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

 As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" 

 From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. 

 Shakin' his head, Rev. Olaf says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." 

 "Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'" _ __ __

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Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

EVA

Friday, December 30, 2011

Love is Where You Find It #17



“Felicia, sit down,” instructed Adelaide calmly, as she took a seat at the table.  “This is going to happen, unless you prefer to move in at the homeless shelter.”

The calmness in her mother’s voice suddenly made Felicia very nervous.  She had never seen this quiet, confident, and determined side of the woman.  Reluctantly, she returned to her chair.

“I am really concerned about you,” her mother continued.  “I know you aren’t happy, and haven’t been for a long time.  Talking about it with someone who’s objective and experienced at helping people through difficult times may make a difference.  I know you want to be the best mother you can be for Betsy, and that doesn’t mean just loving her and taking care of her; it means loving and taking care of you, too.”

Adelaide paused to let her Felicia digest her words.  “I’m glad that thanks to Michael, I can do this for you.  I can give you a place to live and pay for counseling; but the rest you need to do for yourself.”

Part of Felicia couldn’t believe that her mother would actually turn her and Betsy out on the streets, but on the other hand, she had never seen Addie this composed and sure of herself, either.  Did she really want to put her to the test?  No, there was something about her mother’s demeanor that said, ‘Don’t press your luck.’

“Okay, I guess I don’t have much choice,” Felicia responded, an air of defeat in her tone.  The hard lines that had been living on her face for the past months began to soften, and her lower lip quivered, slightly.

Addie rose from her chair and leaned over to hug her daughter.  “Please don’t look at this as some kind of punishment, but as an opportunity; a chance to start a new chapter in your life!  This is a chance for you to become the person Betsy can look up to and admire as she grows up.”

A tear escaped from Felicia’s eyes and dropped onto her mother’s shoulder, and then, as though the flood gates had been opened, she surrendered to her mother’s hug and began to sob profusely. 

“Mom, I’m so sorry I’ve been so horrible.  I’ve been angry and scared and lonely, and I’ve been taking it out on you and everyone else!  I've made such a mess of everything."  

“Well, now you have a chance to fix it.”  And with those words, Addie gave her daughter another hug, extricated herself from her daughter’s clutching arms, both literally and figuratively, and went outside to where Michael was waiting.  She gave him a quick hug, then climbed into her car. 

“Come on, Michael; I’ll follow you to your castle,” she called through the open window as she turned the key and started the car engine.  

With a broad smile on his face, Michael climbed into the back of the Town Car and said, “Let’s go home, Ben.  I think it’s time I start enjoying life again!”

Ben closed the trunk on both cars, slid in behind the wheel, and pulled out into the street.  Adelaide maneuvered her car around her daughter’s, and followed Ben, while Felicia watched from the doorway of what was now her own apartment.  "This may be  a new day for all of us," she thought.

The End

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Walmartians Are Out And About

Well you knew the pre-holiday and post-holiday sales around the country would bring them out, didn't you?


Now there's a shirt that would have made his mother proud--not to mention exciting all the ladies!


This must be the Santa from that new planet they discovered, Kepler 20F!


And he brought one of his elves with him!!!


Who needs to diet?  Just get a shirt that shows what you want to look like!  Where can I get one???


It's an ethnic Smurfette!


Hmmmm....a double scoop of chocolate asscream!


See what happens if you keep your ChiaPet too long???


Hey, Dude!  The hat does not match the outfit!


"Shopper in need of pants on Aisle Three!"

Where would we be without the entertainment of Walmart shopping?
EVA

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

New Word Wednesday #52

We’ve all encountered them—those pesky word verifications intended to keep spammers off websites.   After three years of blogging and encountering these barriers on a daily basis, it occurred to me that great new word possibilities were being wasted.  Why, every day I would type strange letter combinations, hit “enter,” and the letters would disappear, never to be seen again!

I decided that it was time to document these strange letter combinations and assign a definition to them, thereby creating some wonderful new words for our vocabularies.  Following are  5 of these new creations for your enjoyment; feel free to assimilate your favorites into your everyday conversation.  Your friends and co-workers will be envious!

Today's words:


ddtyw:  Senior Code used in texting, means: Done Dinner; toilet, yes! Where? as in, "After eating, I received a desperate text from Carol--ddtyw?"

menzitya:  (adverb)  a superior attitude due to a real or perceived greater level of intelligence, sometimes exhibited by members of Mensa; as in, "Ever since he took that I.Q. test and found he scored above 140, he acts so menzitya

orianta:  (noun) a parent's sibling raised in the far East; as in, "Luci Lui was Tommy's orianta."

uncest:  (noun) a sexual relationship step-siblings--not incest, because they are not related by blood, but still ...ewwwww!; as in,  "When John's mother remarried, her new husband had a daughter John's age, and from then on, uncest was on his mind."

urrent:  (noun)  the amount paid monthly for housing; as in, "Tom said I pay $500 a month for this place; how much is urrent?"

Remember:  Use a word three times and it's in your vocabulary forever!

EVA

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

You ONCE Back Into A Tree. . .

My sons, 38 and 39, informed me that ourvgrandkids had  bought us a special gift, and presented us with a package done up in Christmas paper with a bow.  When I opened it, I read the words, "Back Up Camera," and saw a small screen about the size of an IPhone.

On of my sons is always complaining that I'm not keeping up with technology because I don't send and receive text messages, and I don't take pictures with my phone (even though my cell phone does have those capabilities.) .  My first thought was that this was some kind of camera-phone intended to "back up" my regular camera.

When I said I already had a camera, my older son explained it was a back up camera for my car.  When I still looked confused, he said the camera attaches to the rear license plate on my car, and the viewing screen goes on the dashboard so you can see behind you when you put the car in reverse!


I'll admit that the reverse gene may be missing from my driving DNA.  Backing the car down his downward sloping, curved driveway is not my favorite thing to do.

Then there's my lack of depth perception.  Back in high school (in the days of the Model T Ford) when I took Driver Education, I did quite well except for that machine you look into and indicate which car is closest to you; I swear, as far as I was concerned, they were all equi-distant.  Hence we discovered that I don't have depth perception.

Add to that the fact that three years ago, I had a little mishap in my younger son's driveway.....


I was backing our car into a turnaround space off his driveway which was wide enough for two cars.  There was a car already parked in the turnaround, so I was being very careful not to back into that car (compensating for my lack of depth perception) and failed to notice the tree on the other side of the turnaround.

Honestly!  You back into a tree once, crack a taillight, and they never let you forget it!  According to my older son, every time Mr. Eva and I leave my son's house, the kids run upstairs and hide under their beds for safety!  He says they fear for their lives, and that's why they wanted to get us this Christmas present!

I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or insulted, but I'll I guess I'll take the camera and hope it serves as protection for the trees and taillights in the future!

EVA (AKA, Crash)

Monday, December 26, 2011

I Have Escaped the Holiday Stress!

A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start
& we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished,

 I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, an a box a chocletz. 

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.



Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.


EVA

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas!

A Christmas story
'Twas the night before Christmas and out on the ranch,
The pond was froze over and so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see,
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorta like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle and started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, and first thing they knew
Both Pop and the kids were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn,
And when the kids wakened, the power was on..
"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa and no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
-anonymous





HO, HO, HO!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Here's a little snowman silliness to make you smile!













Have a great day!

EVA

Friday, December 23, 2011

Love is Where You Find It #16



“Michael, please leave us alone for a few minutes.  Maybe you could take that last box of my things out and put them in my car trunk,” said Adelaide in a calm, quiet voice.  Michael looked at Addie; she nodded her head.  He picked up the indicated crate and walked out to the car.

“Felicia, sit down.  We need to talk.”   Taken aback by her mother’s calm tone, Felicia did as she was told.  “Did you ever wonder, growing up, why your mother was older than most of your friends mothers?  Truth is, I had 3 miscarriages before I had you—and then you were born 4 weeks premature.  Back then, without all the neo-natal equipment and knowledge they have today, that was pretty risky business.  Your father and I were both thrilled and terrified that we had you.  You were a miracle baby; you survived and thrived against some pretty tough odds.”

“When the doctor told us we would be unable to have any more children, you became even more precious to us, and we spoiled you.  We showered you with love and gave you everything you wanted, because we were so grateful that you were ours.  In retrospect, I now know that wasn’t the path we should have taken; a spoiled child becomes a selfish, self-centered adult.”

“Mom, I didn’t know you had three miscarriages.  That must have been awful.  Why didn’t you ever tell me?” asked Felicia.

“Because I didn’t want you to worry about having kids of your own.  You have no idea how relieved I was when you and Jordan had Betsy with no difficulty.”

“So why are you telling me now?” snapped Felicia, her moment of vulnerability past.  “What’s that have to do with anything?”

Adelaide paused and reached for her daughter’s hand.  “I guess because I wanted to let you know I feel partially to blame for your attitude.  We were so busy trying to make sure you were happy that we didn’t prepare you properly for life.   We fostered your selfishness and your feelings of entitlement.  We didn’t teach you responsibility, and we hardly, if ever, said ‘no’ to you.  As a result, you weren’t equipped to have a successful, loving relationship and a happy life.”

Momentarily stung by her mother’s words, Felicia reacted by tearing her hand away and jumping to her feet.  Addie quickly rose and took her daughter’s arm.  “I want to help you become a happy and independent woman.”

“By abandoning me and running off with some old perv you met in the hospital?” responded Felicia. 

“Michael is not an ‘old perv.’  He’s a kind, thoughtful, funny man that I really am enjoying getting to know.  I’ve been lonely since your Dad died, and it’s time I find some happiness again.  I don’t know if it will be with Michael, but I do know I want to give that relationship a chance and see where it goes.”

“Oh, I’ll bet I know just where it’s going,” growled Felicia.  “You’re going to shack up with some stranger you’ve known for a week or two!”

“It’s not like that, Felicia.  I will be staying at his house, but in my own bedroom with my own private bath.  Dr. Wilson was against my coming back here because of the laundry room being down in the basement, and the bathroom being upstairs.  He said I shouldn’t be climbing stairs much for a while.  Also, he didn’t want me to be picking up Betsy for a few weeks, and well, he didn’t want me arguing with you.”

When there was no response other than a scowl from Felicia, Addie continued.  “I’m going to pay the rent on this place for six months; also, I want you to go to Riverside Community Health Center and sign up for some counseling.  I will pay for your sessions at first.  You’ll need to find a job and make daycare arrangements for Betsy.  I really want you to find a way to be happy and independent.”

"No way!  I'm not going to waste my time talking to some shrink!  I'm not crazy, and I'm not going to do it.  If you want to go play house, then you go ahead, but don't expect me to go Community Health like some nutcase," sputtered Felicia.  "Not gonna' happen."

To be continued.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Bob Hope...Entertaining the Troops!

Bob Hope spent more Christmas holidays away from home than any other entertainer.   His idea of Christmas spirit was to entertain the troops, wherever they were deployed.  Some of you are probably to young to remember him, but he was a legend!  Enjoy.



Mr. Eva was stationed with the Air Force in Greenland and remembers Bob performing for the troops there.  (Very many years ago!)
EVA

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

New Word Wednesday #51

We’ve all encountered them—those pesky work verifications intended to keep spammers off websites.   After three years of blogging and encountering these barriers on a daily basis, it occurred to me that great new word possibilities were being wasted.  Why, every day I would type strange letter combinations, hit “enter,” and the letters would disappear, never to be seen again!

I decided that it was time to document these strange letter combinations and assign a definition to them, thereby creating some wonderful new words for our vocabularies.  Following are  5 of these new creations for your enjoyment; feel free to assimilate your favorites into your everyday conversation.  Your friends and co-workers will be envious!


You’re welcome!


apasper:  (noun)  a perspiration stain on a garment that remains after laundering from a previous sweaty activity; as in, "Serena found it necessary to be constantly designing new tennis-wear, because of the apasper on outfits which she had already worn in matches."


coribra:  (noun) a brassiere made of corduroy; as in, "Stella found that her coribra was an excellent garment for keeping her girls warm while skiing."


dorblanc:  (adjective)  having totally lost your train of thought; as in, "I'd like to answer that question but I'm a total dorblanc."


propat:  (adjective) one who cheers for and is a fan of the Patriots' football team; as in, "John was so propat, he would paint his face red, white, and blue when he went to football games."  


roarance;  (noun) the measure of a supervisor's anger in the workplace by the loudness of his or her reprimand; as in, "From the degree of roarance emitted by his boss, Rodney gathered that it wasn't cool to display photo-shopped nude photos of the guy on the big screen at the company holiday party."




Remember:  Use a word three times in a sentence and it's in your vocabulary forever!


EVA

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ten Office Christmas Party Tips

 It's been a long, tough year.   It's time for the  annual holiday celebrations. You've been working hard, under-staffed, under-paid, and now here's the chance to cut loose and let it all hang out!  In case you missed this last year, I thought it was time to repost.

Having been to an office Christmas Party of two in my day, I've learned by observation and/or experience a few company Christmas Party tips that I thought I'd share with you.  The following are actions that are bound to send you spiraling on the corporate ladder.  In which direction?  You decide.


1.  Walk in late with a major buzz already brewing in your brain.  Both will draw attention to youself, and the latter will increase the possibility that you will be remembered in the morning.
2.  Ladies:   Wear something hot and provocative; this is your chance to make a statement and be noticed.  Don't miss a chance to flirt with the CEO, even if his wife is at his elbow.
3.  Grab as many free drinks as you can; the company's footing the bill for the booze, and that's the expensive stuff.  Don't waste valuable stomach space cluttering it up with food that will put the damper on that buzz.


4.  Guys, be ready for that momentary lull in the conversation;  have the raunchiest joke you can come up with on the tip of your tongue and spit it out!  Don't worry about offending anyone...it's a party for God's sake.  They need to lighten up!

5.  Take this opportunity to corner your boss's boss at the bar and let him know that bastard supervisior of yours doesn't know his ass from his elbow, and you could handle the job much better.



6.  There's mistletoe?  Make sure you get "Jugs" the admin under it and plant a wet one on her while copping a feel!  Her actions may say no, but you know she's always been hot for you.

7.  Once you've consumed enough liquid courage, approach the company CEO with your idea to install  beer taps in the employee dining area.  He's bound to appreciate your ingenuity!

8.  If there's music, a little exotic dance might be just the gesture to make sure your name is on everyone's mind for future promotions.

9.    When all those beers, bourbons, and bacardis start to come up on you, don't vomit on the floor.  The punch bowl or he nearest ladies purse are safer bets.


Just one more tip:

10.  When Monday morning rolls around, you may want to update your resume.  I'm just sayin'.

EVA

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Santa Gender Mind Bender

I've noticed that several bloggers are bringing back previous posts for new followers to enjoy.  It's in that frame of mind that I bring back a poem I composed last year.  Hope it makes you smile, even if you've read it before.


Ever since the very first tales of Santa began,
All have assumed that Santa’s a man.
Listen here: You may find it odd—
But I’m willing to bet that Santa’s a broad!




The gifts kids receive---all picked by a guy?
The same species that’s been known to buy
Their holiday gifts on Christmas Eve?
A plan-ahead- dude is hard to believe!





I guess the elves could do all the wrapping—
We know for sure, a guy would be napping.
Would he then deliver his selections,
Without stopping once to ask for directions?





Fat chance of that, I would have to say;
With no GPS until recent day!
Do you know any man who’d admit being lost?
They’re way too stubborn, regardless the cost!

Then there’s the usual cookies and milk—
Would most guys be happy with things of that ilk?
No, I think not. Here’s what I fear,
If Santa’s a man, he’d want pretzels and beer!





Just give it some thought
And I’m sure you’ll agree
No way it’s a man--

Santa must be a SHE!

(an original poem by Eva Gallant)




EVA

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Sundays in My Neck of the Woods

I think I'm losing it!  I screwed up again....This is Sunday's post a day early!   Please scroll down to see Saturday Silliness!


This was a revisit to one of our favorite Italian restaurants.  Espo's Trattoria is located at 1335 /Congress Street in Portland, Maine.  I reviewed this place on 1031/10 here, but felt it was time for a repeat visit.  For previous review, I had lasagna and Mr. Eva had spaghetti and meatballs, both of which were excellent.

The first thing you can expect is a basket of focaccia bread and a dish of olive oil, mixed with parmigiana cheese and herbs for dipping.  I spooned some of the mixture onto my bread plate and sopped it up with some of that fresh bread.  Yummy!


It is divine, and it is difficult to not just gorge yourself on that and have no room left for your meal!


We enjoyed side salads with crispy fresh lettuce, cucumbers, purple onions, and grape tomatoes with the house oil and vinegar Italian dressing.


On previous visits, we had seen lots of pizza being taken out, so I was determined this time to try it.  They make their pizza with fresh dough, a tasty tomato sauce and lots of cheese at $6.99 and I added pepperoni to my order for $.95 cents more,  I wish there were a tad more generous with that delicious tomato sauce, but I did enjoy the pizza immensely, even though I couldn't finish it and brought nearly half of it home with me!


Mr. Eva had spaghetti and meatballs, his favorite.  This was the luncheon serving which only includes one baseball-sized meatball, at $9.99 (including the side salad). The dinner portion he had on our last visit includes two of the huge honkin' things!


I had to take a photo after he cut into the meatball, so you could see how big it actually is!

Espo's remains one of our favorite Italian restaurants; we've never been disappointed when we've chosen to dine there.  I would definitely recommend it to anyone who is in the Portland area and has a hankering for Italian eats!

Note:  I was compensated in no way for this review.  We paid for our dinners and the opinions expressed are mine alone.

Saturday Silliness

Christmas Symbols


Three Marines died in a car accident on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The LCPL fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The LTCOL reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Gunny started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Gunny replied, 'These are Carol's.'




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The Frugal Christmas Invitation


A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? "and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."


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EVA