Followers

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Judas Asparagus

This came to me on email today, and I just had to share it!


Judas Asparagus
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is thestar of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I  wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.  Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

EVA

19 comments:

Linda Kish said...

That was wonderful.

Greg Scott's Compendium of The Weird and wonderful said...

Hilarious

Queenie Jeannie said...

Totally awesome!!! Kids rock!

ipenka said...

Couldn't help but chuckle. Had to stop and think "wait, how would a kid see this". That was funny.

Sara Louise said...

I love that Adam and Eve weren't embarrassed because there weren't any mirrors! Too cute :-)

Jen said...

Oh,my!! Unreal.....Kids!!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Naming a "terrible vegetable" after Judas! Priceless.
Rosemary

Brian Miller said...

haha this is awesome...kids are awesome...love to see things through their eyes...

have you ever seen the lego bible...some pretty funny stuff in that too...

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Funny stuff, but if a kid wrote that, I'm Methuselah.

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

Whether it was written by a kid I don't know, but funny nonetheless!

Helene said...

Oh. My. Gosh. This is hysterical! The Battle of Geritol...classic!

Thanks for the laughs, as always!!

April said...

I so needed this laugh today, Eva...thanks a bunch!

rosaria said...

Oh yes!
An A+ for the great sense of humor shown throughout.

One Bad Pixie said...

Only thru the eyes of a child... How delightful. If only the full version were that short.

River said...

I don't know the bible very well, but I know enough to laugh all the way through this.

The Frisky Virgin said...

This was hilarious! :)

Kristy said...

Charleston Heston! Ha!

Eva Gallant said...

Pixie: Glad you liked it!

Frisky: It's always fun to know I made you smile!

Jen: Yeah, kids are a panic!

Ipenka: Kids minds do work a little differently ! lol

Pat said...

Now THAT was funny! I am sending this to my sister - she will really enjoy it!