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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Saturday Silliness




The Polite Way

During one of her daily classes, a college teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:  "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "'Just a minute I have to go pee.'"

The teacher responded by saying:  "That would be rude and impolite.  What about you, Sherman, how would you  say it?"

Sherman said:
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And how about you Johnny, can you use your brain for once and tell us what you would say?"

Johnny said:  "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
 
The teacher fainted.
 
*****************
 
 
 
 
Betting on Daisy to Win
 
 
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is
knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan
in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on
it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is
bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."
***********************
 
 
 
 
 
 
GARY IS IN THE HOSPITAL
 

Who in the hell is Gary?

Well Gary is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Gary is in the Vancouver General Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
***********************************
 
 
 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him.
They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."
***********************************
EVA

11 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

All good, but my favorite was that last one. Let him dig.

Simone said...

You tell the most hilarious jokes. These really made me crack up!

River said...

Eva, I laughed and laughed! I'm going to print these out and take them to work.

Brian Miller said...

haha johnny passes the class with flying colors...lol....

Jen said...

Funny..cracked me right up!!!! All good .....thanks for another Saturday........lol

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

These are all very funny but the first one is my favorite!! Shake hands with a dear friend indeed! ha ha ha

Sue said...

heehee

I liked the first one best.

=)

Leslie said...

These are hilarious! I had to share the first one with my husband. Thanks for so many great laughs and for stopping by on my SITS Day yesterday!

ipenka said...

The first one was AWESOME. I dare say that might be my favorites out of all the Saturday silliness.

How awesome would it be to get away with that on a real date?!

One Bad Pixie said...

Hooo-freakin-larious! Thank you Eva, I need the laughs.

Laurie Kolp said...

So funny... and I'm enjoying your book, too.