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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Saturday Silliness


Senior Dating
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking:

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.  I know you

went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at

7PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car -- a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.  Then he takes
me out for dinner -- a marvelous dinner -- lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks.  Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!  So then we
are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me twice!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't

go out with him! ?"

Edna: "No, no -- I'm just saying, wear an old dress "


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  GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her. 


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Dog For Sale

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales pitch below.
Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt."
 *************************

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in Calgary from the old country,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in Canada , we might as well do as the Canadians do."


As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here,"and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. 


The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.  Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'  The mother superior is first to open hers.  She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers...

"What part did you get?"

****************************

EVA

9 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

Ho Lee Schitt! Love it. All of these made me chuckle.

River said...

I remember very well the day I shocked my mother with the nuns eating hot dogs joke.
That little garden snake caused an awful lot of trouble!
Loved the "wear an old dress" joke.

Brian Miller said...

Ho lee schitt...lol...dang that is a big dog...lol...some fun stuff this morning eva...have a lovely saturday

Sue said...

Another good Saturday morning giggle. Thanks, Eva!

=)

Joanne said...

From the dress to the hot dog, it just kept getting better.

Bossy Betty said...

Good ones! I gotta say I liked the first one best!

Terri Sonoda said...

ROFLMAO at the garden snake story. Oh lordy, that was so funny, my sides are aching! Good stuff.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I laughed out loud half-way through the snake story. But the entire post is pretty funny. Thanks for brightening a gloomy day!

Pat said...

Oh these are great! Love them!