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Saturday, May 12, 2012

Saturday Silliness

 

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!
 
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
 
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
 
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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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EVA
 

5 comments:

Brian Miller said...

i may have to try pissing in my cats ear...bwhahaha...that made my day...i will tell that one to a few people...smiles.

happy saturday

rosaria williams said...

Oh my! I'm still laughing hard, and my fingers can't find the keys.Ahhh!

Stephen Hayes said...

You've provided me with some great Saturday morning laughs. If only I can remember a few when we have guests over for dinner tonight.

River said...

If only my mum was still alive, she'd love those double entendres!

Sue said...

That second one is too funny!

=)