Saturday, June 23, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven).
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar...'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
En garde!
The French, German, and American fencers are arguing over who is the best in
their sport.  The Frenchman pulls out his foil: "I will show you all!"  He
targets a fly buzzing around, and with one swipe of his blade, the fly falls to
the ground, cut neatly in half.

The German smiles. He locates another fly, and with two swipes, it falls to the
ground, its wings neatly removed.

Now it's the American's turn. Lifting his foil, he takes three swipes at a fly,
which flutters off, undisturbed.  The others laugh, but the American holds up
his hands.  "That fly," he says, "will never procreate again."


  Slap me up side the head!

Bubba goes to an outdoor show and wins a bass boat.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",
pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Mississippi
a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!
Why People Hate to Attend High School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.  Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.  Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.   Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


Charlotte said...

Aaww poor Mary, the 5th parrot can't even get both legs on there. Have a great weekend.

Stephen Hayes said...

All good, and your Saturday Silliness is becoming a fun part of my week. The one about the bass boat was my favorite.

Al Penwasser said...

So, Jim must have two and a half cockatoos.

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! Fabulous!!!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

What a way to start the day! Hahahaha

Brian Miller said...

haha....the brothers and the backyard are my fav today...i have to remember that about acts 2:38 though...that might come in handy...smiles...

River said...

The Mississippi brothers had me laughing out loud, but that last one...seriously 5 parrots? holy cow, where does he put that thing? She's not a horse?

LOVE MELISSA:) said...

I love your Saturday sillys! You should link it up bc I always do a saturday funny blog hop:) THis is fabulous- what a way to start the day huh:)

Terri Sonoda said...

ROFLMAO Eva. Good stuff as usual! Hope your weekend is going well.

She Writes Here Now said...

thank God for you, Eva! I just came over in TEARS from another blog and you made me laugh :). My daughter must think I am bipolar watching me blogging tonight :).

Sue said...

Chuckled most at the fishing one...