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Saturday, July 7, 2012

Saturday Silliness

 
 
The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arsehole with no hair."


Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV.
Who shall I say is calling?"

************************
 
 
 
**************
 
 
 
 
 
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
 
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Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful
sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa
and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to
just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you
remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss
me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her
wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were
first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed,
Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

**********************

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our MasterCard yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. did you remember to send the check for the Visa card this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
  Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
********************
EVA

9 comments:

She Writes Here Now said...

Eva, the first one got me! But the nipples scared me :)!

Stephen Hayes said...

I'm really starting to look forward to Saturday Silliness. That first one is great, but aside from Mrs. C I can't think of anyone I'd are tell it to.

River said...

Thanks, I needed a laugh. I'd been feeling a little down.

Fun60 said...

Your posts certainly made me laugh. Thanks for checking out my blog - really appreciated your comments.

Brian Miller said...

haha....yikes, gotta watch where you step....just a nibble, no teeth needed....

Terri Sonoda said...

LMAO! They were all so funny, not sure which I liked best. The Confuscious did not say, I think. LOL Good stuff!

Sue said...

Laughed out loud at the nipples.
As for the nibbles, I think toothless would be perfect!

;)

Alessandra said...

These are hilarious, Confucius did not say are my favorites. :)

Argent said...

Hahahaha, glad I stopped by.