The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Julie had been after her husband for several weeks to paint the seat on the toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She returned, entered the bathroom and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet; as she tried to stand up, she realized the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Julie's husband got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, he undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this!)
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. . . I just never saw one mounted and framed."
A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life
in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases
a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.
After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof
beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on
"Hold it neighbor" the man says, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six
miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for
you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing,
drinking, fighting... We'll have a great time".
Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks "How
should I dress?"
"Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be the two of us".