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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Saturday Silliness

 
 
Several days ago, as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.


Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.  "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years!!


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Sunday Morning Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


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Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion. This is good to know...
MEDICAL RESEARCH



Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that
patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.....

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Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

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EVA

8 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

I'll think about that poor old man every time I hear an ice cream truck.

River said...

I haven't seen an icecream truck here in years. Perhaps they were banned for this very reason.
I've made a note not to be late for my own retirement lunch.

Brian Miller said...

hahahahaha that ice cream truck one is the best ever....seriously...lol....


happy saturday eva....

Jeannine Breton said...

Good ones, Eva...oh, love the ice cream truck!!

Pat said...

I've always love the ice cream truck joke. I crack up every time I hear it!

Sue said...

These are too funny.

=)

Reeni Pisano said...

These are all HILARIOUS Eva! Hope you're having a great weekend!

momto8blog said...

hahaha LOVE these jokes. funny!!!
I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.