Saturday, September 29, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Chuck the Rooster


A farmer decided he wanted to go to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chuck.  Where ever I go, he goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket seller; "we can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner, stuffed the rooster into his overalls, returned, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.  He sat down next to two old widows, Ethel and Mildred.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.  The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Ethel" whispered Mildred.
"What?:  said Ethel.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Ethel.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out," answered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Ethel.  "At our age, we've seen them all."
"I thought so, too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
The Ostrich 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  the waitress askes for their orders.  The man says "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.  "That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes  routine until the two enter agqin.  "The usual?"asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

 Shortly the waitress brings the order and saysm "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exacgt change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer.  "Excuse me, Sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that  if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right.  Whether  it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce; the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asks, "So, what's with the ostrich?"

 The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say. . ."

The Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


Al Penwasser said...

Am I the only one who thought of using the word c**k for that first joke?

Stephen Hayes said...

What a coincidence, indeed. A different cock?

Unknown Mami said...

I needed a laugh and I knew just where to head. Thanks.

River said...

I just love the ostrich story!!
That's gold!

Brian Miller said...

omg my....wonder if mine likes popcorn.....i mean....what a coicidence....err....happy saturday...smiles.

SherilinR said...

those were really funny this morning!
happy weekend!

Pat said...

A sense a theme happening here! These were all great, but I almost spit out my drink on the "what a coincidence" one!