Friday, November 9, 2012

Fighting the F-word Friday

I posted on this topic about a year ago, but as the season approaches once again I thought it was worth a repeat.This is a delicate topic, but one with which I felt compelled to deal.  There are a number of reasons for this and I'll try to explain them, hopefully without offense to anyone.  All of us suffer from the problem at one time or another.  Research shows that this time of year is the busiest in terms of the F-word.  I know you're probably thinking it's still early, but someone pointed out to me the other day that there were less than 50 shopping days left until Christmas, and Thanksgiving is even closer than that!   I say fore-warned is forearmed!

I'm talking about flatulence--where was your mind??  Holiday eating, especially partaking of turkey, brussel sprouts, broccoli, beer, nuts, bran, and rich sauces and gravies can cause the digestive process to produce gases which the body must expel one way or another.  This can be embarrassing in social situations.  One way to deal with it is to blame it on the dog!  The pooch can't rat on you, and in most cases, well-mannered folks won't dispute your claim.  Of course, if you don't have a dog, it can be a little tricky; you may want to look into borrowing or renting a pet for those holiday get-togethers.  Or, let your invited guests know that "Rover" is welcome, too.  (To confirm your sincerity, you may want to gift-wrap a ttreat for Rover and place it under the tree with other gifts.)

The F-problem can cause great inconvenince as well.  On December 6, 2006, an American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing when flight attendants smelled smoke.  A resulting search and interrogation of passengers resulted in a female admitting to having lit a couple of matches to cover the odor of her passed gas.  (Talk about dropping the F-bomb!)

There are products available on the market that eliminate fart odor. The website  offers such a product. (I apologize for having used the four-letter F-word!)  I felt I should share that information, so no one else 'lights up" while in the skies!

The sad news I have for all you young 'uns out there is that as we age, flatulence becomes more of a problem.  Foods that may have had little or no effect on you in your youth may not be tolerated by your digestive system as easily, and your intestines have a way of making their discomfort known.

Why am I expounding on this delicate subject, you may ask?  It's important that everyone be made aware of increased flatulence as we age, because as a society we are aging.  With increased longevity comes the likelihood that the numbers of seniors among us will continue to increase.  Were you aware, that the Supreme Court has ruled  that flatulence contributes to global warming and that the EPA has proposed a tax be levied on farmers at a rate of $175 per dairy cow?  Sure, it's just a proposal now, but if bovine butts are in danger of taxation, can human butts be far behind?



Stephen Hayes said...

Thank you for lifting the lid on this delicate subject and for bringing us this fine pubic announcement.

River said...

A tax on farting? What next? A tax on breathing? It would be cheaper to just rent a few gas masks and oxygen tanks for your Christmas dinner guests!
Cheeky pollies, trying to get their hands on even more of our money.
Perhaps the wisest course is to eat slowly and in moderation, but who can do that at Christmas? all those yummy delicacies....just avoid the brussels sprouts.

Brian Miller said...

i think flatulence is better than the alternative...can you imagine all the mess when those people exploded from over inflation....

Paula Jones said...

love it!! You have a great writing style!

Pat said...

OMG, if they start taxing farting, we would be broke! My husband can't walk across the room in the morning without making a few duck calls.

rosaria williams said...

I can't stop laughing!!!!
Have you posted this on Facebook? It will go viral in no time.

retired not tired said...

Thank you for your insights on such a delicate subject. I laughed so hard I had to blame it on the dog and I don't even have one.

Sue said...


the dreaded flatulence tax..


injaynesworld said...

OMG! You're a scream, girlfriend. I always have a bottle of charcoal capsules with me. Pop a couple before eating the offending food and chow down without worry. Also great if you're drinking the holiday cheer. You won't get so drunk and you won't wake up with a hangover.

Al Penwasser said...

We used to blame older relatives.
Uh oh.
I've now become one of the older relatives.

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