Sunday, September 30, 2012

Silent Sunday

My grandson Carter, relaxing after his two goals in a soccer game....he's only 5 years old!

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Chuck the Rooster


A farmer decided he wanted to go to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chuck.  Where ever I go, he goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket seller; "we can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner, stuffed the rooster into his overalls, returned, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.  He sat down next to two old widows, Ethel and Mildred.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.  The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Ethel" whispered Mildred.
"What?:  said Ethel.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Ethel.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out," answered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Ethel.  "At our age, we've seen them all."
"I thought so, too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
The Ostrich 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  the waitress askes for their orders.  The man says "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.  "That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes  routine until the two enter agqin.  "The usual?"asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

 Shortly the waitress brings the order and saysm "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exacgt change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer.  "Excuse me, Sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that  if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right.  Whether  it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce; the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asks, "So, what's with the ostrich?"

 The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say. . ."

The Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Friday, September 28, 2012

Feature Friday

Every now and then, I like to highlight another blogger for you to visit.  Today, I'm practicing a little nepotism, and giving a shout out to my sister'sJenny Breton's new blog, A Little This 'N That. (She's even older than I am, and you know I'm older than dirt!  For that reason, it's very impressive that she has bravely entered the blogosphere.

Jenny successfully raised 7 kids and they have all turned out terrific and are now loving parents themselves and productive members of society.  I'm constantly blown away by what great people they have become.  Needless to say, when cooking for her brood, Jen picked up some great recipes and tricks that she shares with us on her blog.

For tips on making great desserts, crockpot mac 'n cheese, BBQ chicken pizza, and general cooking tips, visit Jen by clicking here!  I know if you are into cooking, you'll enjoy reading what she has to say.

I have the privilege of being her first follower; feel free to join me--and don't forget to leaver her some comment love.....she's my big sister!


Wednesday, September 26, 2012


This is the day of the week when I share news items that have made me scratch my head and ask
"What the f*ck?'

The parent of a teenage girl at Springtown High School in Fort Worth, Texas is upset that her daughter was paddled by a male assistant principal.  Spanking?  And at the high school level??  I had no idea that corporal punishment is legal in 19 states including Texas!

  The punishment was meted out because the girl helped another student cheat on a test.   The parent had agreed to the corporal punishment (parents must provide a signed letter stating they do not want their kids subject to corporal punishment!), but says the administrator was in violation of a school policy which states that corporal punishment--in this case paddling--must be done by a person of the same sex as the recipient.   The mother says her daughter's butt was blistered and that men are too strong to be spanking girls.

 The school superintendent is trying to get the rule changed on the grounds there are not enough female administrators to administer the "paddlings."   WTF???  This just strikes me as wrong on so many levels.   I tried to find some free clip art of someone being spanked  to accompany this item, but everything I tuned up was kinky sex-related....which reinforces my feeling that this is WRONG!   Any one else have any thoughts?


What's happening to kids sports?  A Southern California Pop Warner football program was paying their players for making "big hits."  The Orange County Register reports that the coaches of the Tustin Red Cobras a 10 and 11 year olds team offered cash payments to players who successfully knocked out specific players from opposing teams.  Unbelievable!  Well, I guess if the New Orleans Saints did it, that makes it okay.  WTF?


Then there was the guy who became obsessed with tigers and "wanted to be one with the tiger."  He jumped off the monorail which tours over the tiger encampment at the zoo in his city.  The tiger bit him several times on the arms, legs and back, sending the message that the cat was not in the market for a new BFF.  Zoo keepers say the tiger could easily have killed the man, had it chosen to do so and said the fellow is lucky to be alive! WTF was he thinking????


Monday, September 24, 2012

A Clean Comedy Sketch!

A friend sent me this on email.  I don't usually post on Monday, so all I'm going to do is share it with you.  Hope it starts your week off with a chuckle!  (The visual quality isn't the best, but it's just the comedian himself, so it doesn't detract from the hilarity.)


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Silent Sunday

The Space Shuttle passes over Austin, Texas.  (Sent to me by a friend.)


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Several days ago, as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.  "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years!!


Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion. This is good to know...

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.....


Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late


Friday, September 21, 2012

Flaunting My Fiction Friday

I noticed I have some new followers, so I could help pimping my book again.  As some of you know, I have published a few books on Kindle.  

Today I'm going to highlight "Welcome to Singles Night."

Welcome to Singles' Night

Below are a couple of reviews that readers have posted on Amazon:

Eva's newest book is a fun romp you don't want to miss! May 19, 2012

I think this was the best yet from author Eva Gallant. I have kept up with all her written offerings over the past couple years, and continue to enjoy her wit and wisdom. This book is a helluva romp that takes the reader through fun, romance, excitement and yes, even one-niters. It left me with a feeling that I was part of it all and also triggered some fond memories of my long ago party life. Young adults to old whippersnappers will enjoy this book. I recommend this and Eva Gallant's other books wholeheartedly.


A pleasant surprise September 13, 2012

Let me start by saying this isn't typically the kind of book that I read. But having read it, I'm glad I did.

If I didn't know Eva was a grandmother, I would have never been able to tell you that this was written by an older woman. Every character, whether a central player or just the singer belting out a tune in the background of a local bar, is written with such color and such flavor and even a little bit of humor that I would think I was just hearing a story from someone my own age. The writing is fresh, and fun, and lightly funny, and I had a blast tearing through it.

Oh, and don't let that humor part fool you. Things take a dark and sobering turn that I did not see coming at ALL. This book kept me on the edge of my seat, it kept me guessing, and it's definitely worth the read.
I'm gratified and thrilled to have such kind reviews posted regarding my literary efforts.  (By the way, if you've read my book, please try to find the time to post a review on Amazon; it helps to move my book up in the ratings; it doesn't matter whether it's a positive or negative review. )
To take a peek inside the book (which the photo above doesn't allow) click on this link and you will go to Amazon to check it out!

While you are there, browse through my other books, too.  Thanks again for the kind reviews, Terri and Knox!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

WTF Wednesday

Well, it's Wednesday again, that day when I share with you those items that just make me scratch my head and say, "What the f*ck?"


We're downsizing and I've been  trying to sell some things on Craigs List.  I never thought of "a baby high chair with removable tray and restraining strap" as sexy or kinky before.  Apparently, I'm mistaken!  I have received four responses from young women telling me my "listing sounded attractive" and included photos of themselves in various attire such as thongs, garter belts, and miniscule bras, along with their phone numbers  in case I'm "interested."  I just want to sell that darned high chair!  WTF?


A Maine newspaper The Bangor Daily News ran an item in their health section about a psychologist who was found guilty of performing sex acts with a patient in his office and billing Maine Care for the sessions.  Somehow, I doubt "services rendered" was meant to include "servicing the patient."

This one speaks for itself!

Kinda gives a whole new meaning to "Taking the Show on the Road!"


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Go Navy!

I don't usually post on Tuesday, but this utube video was too good not to post!   Enjoy!!


Monday, September 17, 2012

Tooting Someone Else's Horn!

Today I want to mention one of my blogger buddies.  She's Alessandra of The Life and Times of A. Nighbert.  She is a science teacher in California and often blogs about her experiences with students and parents.  She also is into exercise and fitness.  And she's a bit of a looker!  (That was looker, not hooker, Al, so behave yourself!)

Born in Italy, she and a high school girlfriend came to the United States at age 18 on vacation and decided to stay.   Hers is an interesting story; click here to read about her migration from Italy to NYC.

I can't imagine leaving home and family behind to move to a strange country today, much less when I was 18!  Needless to say, this gal has chutzpah!

Check out her blog and leaver her some comment love; she's feeling alone these days and wondering if it's all worth it. (Blogging, I mean!)

She is also looking for suggestions to "pimp" up her blog a bit so she gets more traffic and more comments. 

Let's pull together and give a fellow blogger a hand up, shall we?


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Silent Sunday

Our granddaughter Rosabelle.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Some of the Realities of Aging:

1960 Hits Renamed
Here are some new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Denture Queen 
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping


Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends


Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

And Last, but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---

On the Commode Again

Friday, September 14, 2012

Flaunting Fiction Friday

Like last week, I'm not touting my own work today, but the work of a fellow blogger, Carol E. Wyer of the U.K.  You may be familiar with her blog, Facing Fifty With Humour.  If you're not, you really should click on the link and check it out.

 That is how I first came to know Carol.  Her blog always left me chuckling, so when I learned she'd published a book, of course I had to read it.  Several months ago, I reviewed her first book, Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines, a novel about Amanda Wilson, a woman determined to grow old disgracefully.  It was delightful and a fun read.

Carol's new book, Surfing in Stilettos is incredibly entertaining.  I feel like she has come into her own as an accomplished writer in this effort.  I found the plot to be tighter, the writing more polished, and the style intriguing.  (She inserts her main character Amanda's blog posts and comments here and there between the chapters.)  In this book Amanda Wilson and her husband Phil have decided to take a year off, now that he is pensioned, and tour Europe in a camper named Bertie, which has a propensity for breaking down.  Picture a newly retired husband and wife nestled into a little RV:   Cozy, right? NOT!

Amanda and Phil's trip goes awry, and she ends up stranded in France, with her college sweetheart on her trail, lots of wine, and her new French friend Bibi, who's trying to make her philandering husband Didier jealous.  The resulting adventures are often funny, and eventually dangerous.  I had difficulty putting it down, once I'd started reading.  I highly recommend this well-crafted, fun read!

Check out Carol's official website by clicking here.  You can read more about her and her books!


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

WTF Wednesday

This is the day I share with you the items in the news that make me scratch my head and ask "WTF?"

There was a convention held in Gorham, Maine over the weekend; the topic of the conference was UFO abductions.  People were encouraged to come and share experiences they had undergone while abducted by aliens.  Speakers came from as far away as Arizona.

What caused me to scratch my head was not the topic, but the fact that the conference was attended by "alien abductees and others who would like to be abducted."  Were they giving lessons on how to get picked up by a UFO?


A man called the police to complain that the prostitute he engaged upped the price on him.  I scratched my head on that one, because the police arrested the prostitue, but not the john!


NBC failed to observe the "moment of silence in memory of 9/11" and chose instead to air an interview with "Mamma" Kardashian about her new boob job, uninterupted.  I guess we know where their priorities are.


That's it for today!


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Silent Sunday

My grandson Carter was too quiet in the bathroom; trying out Mom's eyebrow pencil.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Grandma Still Drives

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

 She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..  I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.  He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.  Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.  So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma


The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
 Take On Resurrection...........

A pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and
had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know
what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but
that boy's voice won't be.
Within the heart of every stray dog lies the singular desire to be loved.

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk , who is really happy to see you? 




Friday, September 7, 2012

Flaunting Fiction Friday

Today I'm not flaunting my fiction.  I'm flaunting the fiction of a fellow blogger.  Bryan Pedas of A Beer for the Shower writes a totally quirky blog accompanied by clever cartoons, humor, and the ongoing saga of Slim Dyson, a homeless writer.

A while back I read another of his books, The Missing Link, which I did enjoy, but the book I'm touting today is called Demetri and the Banana-Flavored Rocket Ship.  After having read the Missing Link, I was totally surprised by Demetri and the Banana-Flavored Rocket Ship.  The name of the book totally had me fooled.  I expected something totally off the wall and wacky; this was a well-written novel with interesting characters and an endearing plot.

Here's some of what is available on Amazon about the book:

"Demetri Gainer is suffering from a terminal case of frugality. He has more than most—a million dollars, a house in a beautiful community, and a loving sister. Unfortunately, his money is in wads of cash left behind by his dead family, his house is a rusted metal trailer dumped off in the corner of a very unhappy yuppie housing development, and his sister is severely disabled and unable to do much more than eat her weight in food and watch cartoons. Because taking care of her is its own full time job, he has to make that million dollars last for the rest of his life, even if it means not having one of his own.

But it’s not just money hindering Demetri’s life. The community’s Home Owner’s Association is making every attempt to rid him from his eyesore of a home, citing an outdated, archaic law stating that only wholesome, married families are able to care for a disabled child. In order to keep his sister and his home, Demetri needs a wife, fast."

"The obvious choice is the pretty neighbor girl that adores Demetri and his frugal ways, but to Demetri, the obvious answer is the Internet, where he stumbles upon a poorly written website advertising the perfect mail-order-bride: one who will ask of nothing, keep to herself, and cost nothing to keep happy, identified as Mai Keungern by the website. Thinking Mai is his only option, he sends away for her, and when she comes, via a shipping crate sent halfway around the world, he finds out that she’s just a blowup doll. Mai Keungern simply means ‘no refunds’ in Thai.

With the HOA Nazis sniffing out answers, Demetri has no choice but to breathe some life (and some air) into Mai and pass her off as his wife, even giving her a personality—one he can’t stand. And so with a little help from the girl down the street and a lot of therapy from an angry blowup doll, Demetri will face everything he hates about his frugality—in the form of inflatable plastic—as he attempts to balance the responsibilities of caring for his sister and relearn the simple, once forgotten joys of life."

Parts of this book had me chuckling; the chapter where Demetri invites his nemesis, Harvey Dinkleman and his family to dinner and introduces them to his "wife" had me laught out loud to the point of tears!  Byan has created a wonderful character in Demetri; he is shy, likeable, and unique, just like this novel.  If you like a heartwarming story interlaced with humor, you'll love this book!

I was in no way compensated for this review; in fact, I bought the Kindle book from Amazon with my own money.  I just liked it so much I wanted to tell others about it.  Click here if you want to check out this book on Amazon.  (You can look inside it at amazon; the picture above does not connect to the book.)

Happy reading!


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

WTF Wednesday

Once again, items in the news cause me to scratch my head and say "WTF??"

Three daycare workers in Dover, Delaware, were arrested on charges of felony assault, conspiracy and child endangerment when it was discovered that they had staged a fight between two toddlers and filmed it!

The video showed the toddlers screaming and crying, while the workers could be overheard laughing in the background.  At one point, one of the toddlers tried to run away from the fray, but one of the women grabbed him and forced them to continue.

And you thought Michael Vick was horrible...   He has nothing on those daycare workers!  I hope they get the book thrown at them.

The HUG ME Jacket

Don't be cold and lonely this winter!  The Hug Me Jacket, shown above is designed to make you feel loved.  That row of clasped hands running up the front is supposed to give you the sensation of loving hugs.....(   or maybe feel like you're in a straight jacket?)   I don't think I'll be sporting one of those this about you?
He Wants to Be a She
Robert Kosilek was convicted of murdering his wife in 1990.  Born a man, he has been receiving hormone treatments and has been living as a woman in an all male prison.  He/she has sued the State of Massachusetts stating that if the prison system is to offer him adequate medical treatment, then he must be provided with sexual reassignment surgery.  U. S. District Judge Mark Wolf ruled that the surgery is the only adequate treatment for Kosisek's medical need, so Robert will become "Michelle" courtesy of the Massachusetts taxpayers.    ??
Etibar Elchiyev has made the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most spoons (50) magnetized to his body.  I have to ask myself, at what point in your life do you decide that you want to be famous for this type of talent??? 
Like  I said, "WTF?"
All above articles and photos were found on Yahoo News.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Silent Sunday

My youngest son, Jason and his fiance Tammy

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Saturday Silliness

Always Ask.   NEVER ASSUME!!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:


Me and Virgil, T-Bone and Jimmy Earl went for more
ammo and a gallon of sweet tea. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with
the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up
bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait
outside. Be right back.



Sound Health Advice I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.